My Year of Singleness: A Time of Rehab for my Heart

"You're doing what?" is just one of the many reactions I got for choosing to do one year of singleness from May 2013- May 2014. Other reactions sounded like "Is that supposed to be spiritual?", "but you were already single", "did you have a problem with not being single?" and one of my favorites came from my friends who had never had a girlfriend or boyfriend, "I don't need a year of singleness; I've been single since I was born!".

So, then, why a year of singleness? Before choosing to do it, a few of my friends did 6-12 months of intentional singleness for varying reasons. When each of those friends told me they were doing a time of singleness, I politely gave a nod and an "mm-hmm" (as any good counseling student would), pretending that I understood their decision. Yet inside, I was thinking how ridiculous and unnecessary it was to do a year of singleness. Interestingly enough, those friends planted that idea in me without ever realizing that I would ever do the same thing.

In May 2013, I fought off the idea of doing a year of singleness- not because I was a serial dater...or even dating at all- but simply because my heart was tired. For a couple years, I had invested my heart into someone who I had no hope of being with. I tried for months to let go but I was also holding on so tightly. I was sick of it. My heart was sick of it. Sick of attaching my heart to someone who wouldn't reciprocate the way I felt. My heart needed a time of rehab. That rehab looked like a year of intentional singleness to me.

Despite the fact that I was already getting over the guy, I felt like I needed to finish healing with a retreat for my heart. A time where I would not allow my heart to become romantically attached again. I created stipulations for myself that would protect my heart from attachment. Obviously, No Dating was one of them (even though I wasn't really dating before that...but just in case I was asked on a date, the rule was made!). I even created the rule of No Crushing on Anyone. I know, cray, cray, right? How do you stop yourself from liking someone? I don't know. But I was going to do it for my heart's sake.

Because I like to look at experiences and extract themes or some sort of system from it, I have gathered that there were three seasons to my year of singleness. It's crazy because the whole point of the year of singleness was to avoid attachment in order to heal completely. Unfortunately, I did not end up avoiding attachment as you will find out soon.

Season 1 {May- August 2013}: Despite the Heat, my Heart Turns Cold

The beginning of Season 1 was hopeful yet also devastating. Hopeful because I felt that the following year would be one of healing. Devastating because I was going through various health issues. For those of you who know me well, you know that the past few years have been hard on my health. The last thing I needed was another diagnosis. In May 2013, I was told I may not be able to have children due to a syndrome I have. Don't get my wrong, I love kids, but I have never really been excited to have my own. I truly get more excited about adopting. Based on that, I probably should not have been that disappointed to know that I may not be able to have kids, right? WRONG. Suddenly, when you're told you can't have something that you thought you would have been able to have, you want it. I cried and cried. I labeled myself as unmarryable (is that even a word?) because no man would want me if I couldn't make a baby for him.
Eventually, I was comforted by hope in God. Anything is possible for God; to give me a man one day who will be able to handle my potential infertility or for God to give me a baby. I've seen many of my friends who were supposed to be infertile have babies. The thing is, I won't know until I try. I'm leaving this in God's hands.
Besides that heavy news, I enjoyed the rest of Season 1 of my singleness. There were no distractions and for the first time in a while, my heart felt like it was set free. I was enjoying my time of singleness so much that I began contemplating a lifetime of singleness. In hindsight, I wonder if I was trying to protect myself from anymore hurt. So, during the hot summer of 2013, my heart turned cold to relationships and future marriage.

Season 2 {September-December 2013}: I Fell in the Fall

I ended the summer with enjoying my singleness and contemplating a lifetime of it. On the most part, I continued wanting that during Season 2 of my year of singleness...but I did begin to fall for someone at school. He wasn't my type at all yet I was attracted to him and liked being with him. I pushed my attraction away so I could be faithful to the rules I placed on myself for the year. I thought that after my Christmas break, I'd get over my attraction and all would be normal again. How many of you see where the story is going? Yup, you're right. My attraction didn't leave when I came back from the holidays but it was only getting stronger.

Season 3 {January-May 2014}: Understanding Attachment

"What the heck is wrong with me?" is what I was thinking. Why couldn't my heart stay away from attaching itself? I shared my feelings with a friend and she simply and gracefully responded with "so, what's wrong with that? what's wrong with your heart getting attached?". She was right. I was acting like attachment was wrong- not only because it was part the rules for my year of singleness- but because I associated it with hurt.
To take that thought a little deeper, one of my classes was influencing the way I viewed relationships. In my Theology of the Human Person class, Dr. Victor Shepherd (the professor), spoke about Martin Buber's theory of I and Thou. This theory states that humankind finds purpose, meaning and identity when in relationship with others and with God. The more this theory was talked about, the more I appreciated my relationship with God and others. Suddenly, my desire to be single forever began fading. Dr. Shepherd spoke of marriage being one of the most intimate relationships a human being can be blessed with on this earth. Yes, intimacy can happen in other relationships, but the most intimate human relationship is in marriage. I was sold. Martin Buber's theory of the I and Thou Relationship was providing healing for my heart and even for my desire for marriage.
As for the guy I was crushing on, I realized how terrible of a match we would be. As quickly as my feelings began for him is as quickly as my feelings left. As brief an silly as that crush was, it helped my process of healing even though I broke one of my rules: Thou shalt not have a crush on anyone.

Conclusion of my Year of Singleness

When I started my year of singleness in May 2013, I never imagined ending it on a mission trip in Peru. I thought it was a beautiful way to end my year of singleness on May 2014 as I was focusing on Jesus and working for Him and the Gospel in Peru.
By the end of my mission trip, it was difficult for me to say goodbye to my new Peruvian friends. With each goodbye hug I gave to the missionaries' kids, the University students, ministry staff and all the people we came across during out trip, my heart was in pain. As I was saying goodbye to some of the students we taught English to, one of the missionaries we worked with said to me "You have a beautiful heart. Your heart attaches itself so much, doesn't it?". It was such a simple comment yet it impacted me so much. I am so grateful she made that observation about me because it concluded my year if singleness magnificently.
I realized that my heart not only attached itself quickly, romantically, but in all relationships. When a bond is made, my heart attaches itself. I am guilty of loving quickly and passionately. Many times, this love has taken me to get hurt. So although I look for opportunities to attach myself through relationships, I distance myself because I don't want to get hurt.
Everyone goes through this right? It just took me a year to learn it.
Did I end up avoiding attachment? No. I did get over the guy that caused me to enter the year of singleness in the first place. And the brief crush I had didn't last. But I attached myself to others. Not in an unhealthy way...but rather the way we're supposed to attach ourselves to others. God created us to be in relationship not only with Him, through Jesus, but also with others. Being in relationship is part of living out the image of God in us.

"I was made to live. I was made to love. I was made to know You." Brooke Fraser, CS Lewis Song

Ending my year of singleness in Peru (May 2014)

The missionary who impacted me more than she intended <3

The girl in the pink is the one who asked me "what's wrong with getting attached?"
The guy was my brief crush. Just kidding; he's a good friend. The crush will remain a secret ;) 

"Why are you going to Peru?"... FAQ about my Peru Trip

I don't know why it's taken me so long to write about my missions trip to Peru. So, I thought I'd share with you a little bit more about why I'm going on a second missions trip since going to India almost a year ago.

I thought it would be fun to make this blog consist of my answers from Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) about my Peru trip. Yes, I have been asked all these questions. Either I have really supportive friends or really nosy ones ;) I'd like to believe they're supportive! lol. Here are the FAQ:

1. Why are you going to Peru?
When I was in India, as I was walking in downtown Kolkata on a Sunday night after church, I suddenly began to wonder what missions in Latin America would be like. My heart was moved and was delighting in the work that we were doing in Kolkata (working with women rescued from the sex trade and children rescued from homelessness). I began to desire being involved in outreach work in Latin America. Why Latin America? Not sure. Maybe because I'm from El Salvador. I've never felt the desire to do missions in Latin America. Remember, I'm new to this whole missions thing! So, the first time I got that desire as I was walking in Kolkata, it puzzled me. I brushed off the thought and kinda hoped it wouldn't return. Yet, at random times during the trip, I kept wishing, desiring and wondering about missions in Latin America. To be honest, the thought off missions in Latin American was bothering me a bit, so I began to pray about it: "Okay, so I don't know why I keep getting these thoughts or desires to do outreach in Latin America, but God if this is something that you are planting in my heart right now, then I pray that you may make it happen in your timing. It's in your hands. Amen" Usually God takes a while to make things happen, right? So, I truly thought that if this were something the Lord would be leading me to, then maybe a mission trip to Latin America would be far in the future. Plus, I didn't plan on going on another missions trip soon after India.

Our team in downtown Kolkata

Fast-forward two weeks after I got back to Canada from India, I heard about a missions trip  my school (Tyndale) was planning to Peru. Immediately, I thought about the desire I had in India to do outreach in Latin America and my prayer of putting the potential trip in God's hands. I thought it may not be a coincidence that Tyndale was having a trip to Peru. I think it had been years since Tyndale went to Latin America. I put the potential trip Peru in God's hands. Eight months later and I'm off to Peru in a few days to be introduced to missions in Latin America!

2. Where in Peru are you going?
Lima and Arequipa. The majority of our work will be done in Arequipa.

3. Who are you going with?
A team from my school: 3 students, a staff member and me. We vary in age and backgrounds, yet we go with the same mission: to partner with Jesus' mission in Peru

Our team, eating at a Peruvian restaurant

4. What are you going to do there?
Our team will mainly be working with youth and young adults as we teach ESL which will serve as a bridge to build relationships with the people. We will also have opportunities to share about Jesus Christ, the Gospel and our testimonies. The missionary we will be working with has been so kind as to ask what else would we like to do. Immediately, I said "street outreach!" My hope is to see who the marginalized are in Peru.

5. How long are you going for?
17 days

6. Do you have any fears about going?
Yeah, two...you might think they're silly fears, but they're real fears to me!
1) I'm afraid of getting made fun of for my rusty Spanish! I'm hoping that after a few days of being immersed in a Spanish context, I'll flow much better ;)
2) I'm afraid of having comments made about my weight. Being a Latina, I know how comfortable Spanish people can be talking about weight and telling you that you need to shed a few pounds! I've become accustomed to the Canadian way of not mentioning weight at all. Oh well, I may come back motivated to work out after a few comments!

7. Will you be going to Machu Picchu?
Not that I know of. It will be a bit far from where we will be doing our work.

I have been asked a few other questions which I am not adding to this blog post because they're a bit silly! You know who you are!

Now, I'd like to ask you a question: How can you support me? 
Three ways: 1) Pray for our team. That impact would happen; impact on the students to learn ESL, impact on the people we share the Gospel, impact on the missionaries we'll be working with (i.e. receiving encouragement and help from us) with and impact on our team. 2) Encouragement. If you have encouraging words or advice your'd like to share with me about Peru or missions, please do! 3) Financial donations. You can donate here: Send Arleen to Peru

At my Peruvian birthday fundraiser

Thanks for reading and stay tuned as we keep you informed on our trip. Check out our first 2 vlogs: Vlog 1 and Vlog 2

Missions Messed Me Up!

Recently, I handed out Thank You cards to as many of my missions trip supporters as possible. I have been getting many comments on a little line I wrote in the card, which reads: "In all honesty, I feel missions has messed me up". One of my good friends laughed when he read that line and asked me "Messed up? Why don't you say 'inspired' instead?" 
Of course I felt inspired by the trip, but I also feel messed up. For years, I have been trying to figure out where I am going. In the past few years, I thought I was finally figuring out how my future would look like. I truly thought I was going to be working in clinical counseling here in North America. Now, I kind of doubt I will be doing that. I mean, I still love counseling and I know my counseling skills will come to good use in the future, but now I'm wondering if I'll be using those skills outside of North America. It may be too early to say, since I just got back from a short term missions trip to India 2 months ago, but I am afraid that missions may be a part of my future. I had an idea of where I was going... but now, I don't anymore; that's why I say missions has messed me up. 
Almost everyday, I think about the work we did in India and the people we met. I feel so nostalgic. I wish those three weeks in India didn't stop. That scares me. What is God doing in me?
Me, the girl who was closed to missions for years, thinking I was too high-maintenance to even go overseas now desires with all her heart to minister on the missions field. What's wrong with me? I feel so messed up. 
As soon as I thought I knew where I was going, I realize I really don't know. It's like God wants me to have faith in Him or something! As scared and messed up as I feel, I am also excited for what God has in store. 

This is one of my life verses, which continually applies to my journey: "By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going."- Hebrews 11:8

My Prayer: 
Lord, I have no idea what You're doing, of where You're asking me to go. My heart is incredibly stirred up as I think of missions. I don't know what exactly this means. Continue to lead me. Holy Spirit, help me to be obedient to God's calling and to have faith in the plans God has in store for me. I don't want to trust in my plans, but Yours. Your ways are higher and better. I love You and want to follow You where ever You may take me. Let me do this without fear, for Your glory and purposes. Amen.

The youth who live at the train station. They impacted me more than they know.

These are women who have been rescued for the sex trade. Look at the love and affection they showed. How can my heart not be moved?

Preparing a lesson on "Healthy Sexuality in God's View"

I have been waiting for this week to come. In 6 days, I will be flying to India for my first missions trip. The reason why I have been waiting for this week to come is because I will be using this week to prepare for India; praying, lesson planning, researching, etc.

Just a few weeks ago I was informed that I will be teaching a lesson on "Healthy Sexuality in God's View". The missionary has considered the gifts, areas of interest and passion of our team members and applied it to how we will minister on the missions trip. So, according to my particular interest on the topic I will be teaching on and my ability to teach, I will be doing just that.

For those who don't know, our team will be working 2 groups: 1) Women who are/have been in the sex trade and 2) Children who may (or may not) have been orphaned and beg at the train station.

I just sighed after typing the latter. It's going to be intense. I know it.

Now, the anxiety I'm feeling right now is about the lesson I have to teach on. I have taught on the topic of sexuality before, to youth and girls...but not to women in the sex trade...in India. It's a little intimidating.

Can I be vulnerable with you?

What if I don't teach according to their context?
What if the lesson sounds judgmental?
What if I don't validate what they have gone through?

These are just some of the 'what if's' I have been asking myself. I cannot depend on myself, I need to depend on God the Holy Spirit to teach through me.

Lord, please teach your truths through me and the rest of our team. Let us be bold in declaring your truths but also loving, wise, understanding and creative. Let us not fear. Help us to be confident in your truths. The Bible (Isaiah 55:11) says that Your Word does not return void, so I pray that Your Word will be be sprinkled in the women and children's hearts and that Your Holy Spirit would do the work of germination in them. That fruit would grow, fruit that would multiply and glorify Jesus, according to John 15. 
Jesus, be lifted up with our words, deeds and motives as we prep and as we go to India. Amen. 

And the missions trip has begun!

Okay, so I know the title says that the missions trip has begun...but it's a little deceiving because I'm not in Kolkata, India yet! Just read on and you'll find out why the title is what it is...

My Partay

So, for those of you who don't know, this past Saturday (January 19th), I decided to throw a big birthday bash...with a twist! I asked the guests not to bring me any gifts, but instead that they would donate toward my India missions trip which will be happening in the Summer. Since I will be going to India, I decided to make my party with an India theme. So, we had henna, Indian food, and Bollywood dancing.If you're wondering how it went...I think it went so awesome! The best compliment of the night was "You sure know how to throw a party!". This made me feel like the party was fun.

Not only was the bash a good time, but it was also a success! About $1,600 was raised! And this number does not include the online donations! (I'm getting the online numbers tomorrow. So I'll update everyone then). I am beyond surprised and grateful! To be so honest, I thought I was only going to raise about $500. I don't know how this whole missions fundraising thing goes because I've never done it. So, I am blown away by the support that my friends have given to me; financially, spiritually and emotionally.

In addition, I was touched by all the help I received as I pulled this party together. There were a few times when I worried and became anxious about the venue, having enough food or hosting a boring party...but to God be the glory because I truly felt that He put the event together; getting a venue, putting it in people's hearts to make great food, use their talents of rapping, dancing and MC'ing to take part in the event. I couldn't have done it alone, so I thank my friends and family that helped!

Now, let me get to the nitty gritty of this blog...the whole reason why I titled it "And the missions trip has begun!" For those who have me on Facebook, you've probably seen the following already. Anywhozees, this was my favorite part of the party for me: a conversation between me and the Bollywood instructor (that I did not know) that I hired for the party.

Dance instructor: You're going to Kolkata for missions?
Me: Yes.
Instructor: I AM FROM KOLKATA! Do you know where Mother Theresa's home for the sick and dying is?
Me: YES!...
Instructor: I'm from that area.
Me: That's where I'm going...
Instructor: {her eyes welled up with tears} You are not Indian and you are going to my people to help. Thank you. I am proud that you would go to my home and serve my people. 

I believe she was Hindu, but I invited her to stay for the rest of the party. She got to witness that I am going on this trip in the name of Jesus and going to serve in Kolkata for Him and because of His love and Gospel. 

Initially, my ignorance about Bollywood dance made me hesitant about hiring her because the dance company had the name of a Hindu God, which would go against who [Jesus] we were worshipping at the party. But, my Indian friend assured me that her Bollywood dancing wouldn't be religious. I thought if I brought her, I'd be bringing in things that didn't honour God. Yet God brought HER in and instead touched HER heart. I hope she was able to understand the skits (by Drime), dancing (by Kristine and Min-Soo) and the purpose of the party were for Jesus. 

Opportunities

Okay, super quickly, let me tell you about 2 opportunities that have come up for me:

One: I've been made the assistant lead for our India team. I didn't plan on this or apply for it. So, it's an honour to be offered this opportunity.

Two: I was invited to share about my missions trip at a Hispanic Hamilton church (Fraternidad Cristiana). I was afraid I was going to have to sat things like "This is India. It has a population of _____". I am SO not that type of person. I wish I was. But instead, I was encouraged to share about my testimony of not being interested in missions-yet God opened up this opportunity for me to go to India. 

Yay! To God be the glory.

My Prayer: God, Thank you so much for the places you take us and for the people you bring into our lives. Thank you for those who support missions (as I was never one of them!). I pray you may honour them and give to them as they generously and sacrificially give to your work. Last but not least, I pray for the Bollywood instructor; I pray that your Holy Spirit would remind her of the things she heard at the party: that Jesus is the only God and that we live to serve Him because He loves us. Continue to mold me into the likeness of your Son. The latter statement scares me...because I know with it brings pain and suffering- but in the end it brings glory. I love you God. Thank you for letting me know You. Allow me to bring that knowledge of you to others through Your Holy Spirit.

Amen

Lordie, no! I'm too high-maintenance for missions!

"Lordie, no! I'm too high maintenance for missions!" was my exact cry whenever I thought about going on overseas missions.
To be quite honest, whenever I heard about an opportunity to go on a missions trip, I would brush it off and think "That's meant for someone else. Not me". I had declared myself to be a Local Missionary. And that label wasn't just a label to me. I have truly taken it seriously as I have been intentional about locally serving broken people in the name of Christ. I imagined myself going on a short term missions trip sometime in my life...but it had to be a place with running water for my showers and electricity for my hair straightener. I had a conviction that God would never call me out of my little comfort zone of Canada to go on a long-term missions trip. I kind of still have that conviction because I think you need to have a calling to be a long term missionary.
Anyways, this past September, we (Tyndale seminary student council) were running our first event of the school year for the Seminary student body. At the beginning of the event, Shelley (our prez) was giving some announcements. I was standing far off, listening, but also ready to turn my attention elsewhere since I knew she was going to announce the upcoming missions trips (which I was not interested in). She said "Alright, listen up...especially you counselling students- there is an opportunity this Summer to go to Kolkata, India to work with women in the sex trade". Suddenly, during that brief announcement, I felt that God gripped me heart, squeezed it and at the same time inserted interest and compassion in me for this trip. Immediately, I knew I had to go to Kolkata, India. I prayed "God, if this is You leading me, then You will open the doors for me to go. Your will be done". To make a long story short, I was accepted last month to go to Kolkata to partner with missionaries that work with women in the sex trade and addict children. Praise God.
When I was being interviewed to be on the India team, I was asked what my fears were about going on a missions trip. I told them that I feared my high-maintenance ways and that my hair would be frizzy. The interviewer kindly replied: "You're just gonna have to let it go. Let your hair go and let the frizz happen!".

So, my friends, here I go. I go into this journey of frizzy hair...to India...for Jesus. lol.

God is calling me outside of my comfort zone. I don't know what will happen after I go to India. I highly doubt He'll call me to full time missions, but at least He's proven me wrong about thinking I would never go to a country where I'd have to get my feet dirty, or have frizzy hair.

Since applying to go to India, I feel like God has been reminding me of events that have lead up to this decision. I'd like to briefly share those reminders with you before I conclude.

• In 2008, my then home church (Cristo Para Todos) hosted a missions conference. I really didn't want to go but I did anyway. (You can tell the negative attitude I had toward missions). By the end of the conference, I felt my heart was moved for missionaries who would give up so much for Christ's sake.
• In 2010, I attended my school's (Heritage College and Seminary) annual missions conference. At a seminar, a missionary spoke about being high-maintenance. Yet, the Lord still led her to overseas missions and didn't change her high-maintenance ways. I thought this was cool. 
• In the summer of 2011, my best friend Catherine took me to a MoveIn (http://movein.to/) patch because they were hosting their monthly missions night meetings. I went, just to spend time with Catherine. But by the end of the meeting, I was so moved by the missions needs presented. I was extremely moved. As I was praying with others at the end of that night, I was so confused by my feelings. I couldn't understand why I wasn't only burdened but I also wanted to go. It was contrary to my desires! Either way, I prayed "Your will be done". 
• In 2012, God reminded me of a desire I had for a long time. You see, I've never had an interest for travelling around the world to tropical and exotic destinations. Sure, it would be cool, but I'm not interested. I look forward to the day that God will make a new heavens and new earth (Revelations 21) and I will see His perfect creation- not marred like it is now. I am going to see the new heavens and new earth, better than it looks now. So, because of that anticipation, I always prayed "God, until then, allow me to see the ugly places of this world. The places were people are broken and suffering. Take me there. Move me with compassion for them, like Jesus has compassion on them (Matthew 9:36) and send me to love them and give them Your truths. Your will be done."

Now, God has pieced the latter together and worked it toward going to India. I am going to an ugly place- HEY! BEFORE YOU TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY- this is what I mean.... I don't mean the physical aesthetics of the place, but a place where suffering and darkness is found; that's ugly. I am going to a place of brokeness; a place where children sniff glue to repress their emotions and a place where women sell their bodies for a living. I already have a passion for working in these areas here locally. But now, I have an opportunity to do it for a short time, in Kolkata, India. 

My Prayer: God, here I go. Make me ready, as You already have been doing. Thank You because You continually challenge Your children to step outside their comfort zone, for the glory of Jesus, Your Kingdom and the gospel. Prepare me. Prepare our team.  That the Holy Spirit may give us boldness to witness and pour His love in us (Romans 5:5) to love the people we will encounter in India.
Forgive me for my negative attitude toward missions in the past years and for brushing it off. You sure showed me. Thank You.
In the name of Your Son, Jesus Christ, Amen.