Monday, February 18, 2013

Injured knee, broken heart= healed?

Since coming to Tyndale in September 2011, a new chapter in my life has begun. The past year and a half has been filled with every single type of adventure. Some moments are filled with a lot of pain and others with joy.

Coming to Tyndale has been a joy in so many ways. For those of you who know me, you have witnessed my adventure of being a Masters student, serving the school on council, serving at my church (, volunteering with ex-offenders and now getting ready to go to India for missions. I am grateful for the latter. Most of my facebook posts and conversation with people I run into daily mention these exciting adventures, but many of my painful adventures are lived behind closed doors. In this blog, I'd like to share a little bit of that pain with you. "Why?" you may ask. I'm not quite sure. But one reason I can think of is to infuse hope in your pain.

There are two things that have brought hurt for me in the pat year and a half. I have shared this with only people who are close to me; not because I want to hide anything but because   I am still learning to share my pain and allow others to comfort me. The two things that have been most unpleasant for me in the past year and a half have been bad health and relationships/friendships with guys.

Recently, I was journalling about my health and I realized how much my body has had to take this year. I have had unknown symptoms, a handful of hospital visits, medication trials, 2 injuries and a lump in my breast that the doctors thought may have been cancer. Thankfully, I have stopped taking meds, my injuries have been healed and the lump was diagnosed benign. Going through all of that wasn't easy though; rather, it was frustrating and emotionally draining. The last thing that I dealt with was my injured knee. {If you want to know how I injured it, watch this video of my friend Min-Soo re-enacting the accident: }. My knee was healed after an elderly couple prayed for it. I won't go into the details today, but basically, my had been injured for 8 weeks at that point. The physiotherapist told me it takes about 2 more months to heal. I was frustrated because I was walking with a limp, it hurt to go up the stairs and my movement were painful. Well, a week after that appointment, this couple prayed that my knee would heal. Instantly, the pain went down from a 6 to a 2. I still had a bit of pain. I prayed that God would take away the rest of the pain. Within a week, the pain was gone. I can now go on jogs again, go upstairs and bend my knees without discomfort. In fact, I even started Intense Circuit Training. I have been doing it for 5 weeks and I am loving every bit of it! Praise God! 

Besides physical sickness, my heart has also been sick or broken. The past year and a half has only brought confusion and pain in the guy area. I will not summarize my situations-not even vaguely- to protect the guys from defamation. I just want to clarify that I am not going around dating different guys that I end up in such trouble. In fact, I've remained single for about 6 years now. 
Recently, this guy who was praying for me said "you have been hurt and lied to by many men. But know God is not those men; He is Faithful and True". I began crying right away because he was completely right. The guy had no knowledge about my recent experiences. 
The past year and a half has been a terrible experience that should leave me wondering if I can trust any guy again..but it hasn't left me that way. God has given me a resilient heart. 
The most significant hurt came this past Summer. For some reason, this heartbreak has been greater than any other in the past. Proverbs 13:12 says "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life". I think what happened this past summer is that my hope was deferred and it made my heart sick. I developed feelings for this one guy. I hoped to start a relationship with this handsome, godly, revolutionary,and compassionate man...but as quickly as it all began it also ended. There was no closure to our conversation or relationship {or whatever it was}. It left me feeling vulnerable, hurt and with many things I wanted to say him. I was left angry and bitter at the situation, myself, him and even God. However, it took me months to figure that out and even to admit it.  
Since that heartbreak in the summer, I've journeyed to healing. I feel like this past January has brought me to a new chapter in healing. I could be wrong, but I felt God saying to me recently: Just as I healed your knee, I will heal your heart. There was a particular time in January when I was praying and I felt like God was saying He was going to bring me extra and speedy healing soon. 
One day later, a godly and mature man expressed how he felt about me. It took me by surprise because I felt I had just met him. Yet, he had his eye on me for a quite a while. He treated me with such gentleness and respect. I became curious to know more about him although I did not have mutual feelings. I became curious about him because I had never met a man so bold as him. We chatted a couple times. I asked him a ton of questions to see if he would be someone I could see myself with. Unfortunately, he wasn't. My heart is still occupied and healing from the summer heartbreak. Although nothing ended up happening with this guy who shared his feelings for me (let's call him Mr.Bold), touched something inside of me that hadn't been touched in a long time. Because of the heartbreak, I was believing that I was un-likeable. I was also beginning to believe that there were no single, mature, bold, courageous and godly men left out there. I also hadn't seen a guy pursue a girl in a bold and godly manner in a while! So, what Mr.Bold did was correct the silent and unconscious beliefs I had due to my experiences with guys. I believe God used Mr.Bold to contribute to my healing. I told Mr.Bold of how he had redeemed some of my experiences and was even a contributor to my healing, and he (sweetly and maturely) replied: "If I must be afflicted for your sake, I will (2 Cor. 1:6); If I must be hurt so that you can be healed, I'll do it". Oh my goodness! Like, seriously- where did he come from? So sweet! I thanked him for being so mature in his response. He said "I'm a big man". It's true; he's all grown up to respond in such a mature way. This type of maturity was refreshing for me. I am truly not worried about him. He is mature and strong enough to take this "rejection" (that word is strong, but I couldn't think of a better one). He is a good man, just not the one for me. God will heal him, just as He is healing me.

So, I continue on this journey of healing. Just recently, a friend has come alongside and comforted me. She has gone through the same situation. I finally feel validated and supported in the pain I have been experiencing. In addition- because her situation has just happened- I feel my painful experience has been of some use; to comfort. 

I must say that the pain has subsided a lot in the past month. This is only a work of God. Praise Him. I really look forward to the day when my pain from this heartbreak will be completely healed. For those of you with a broken heart, cling to Jesus because hope is found in Him. He is good in the midst of the bad. Let Him heal you; He cares and He will. 

My Prayer: Thank you my God for your goodness. Thank you for the hope that you offer when things are so dark. Forgive me God because of my unfaithfulness during the darkness; for getting angry with myself, You and Mr.Heartbreaker. "When my heart was grieved, and spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you.... 
Yet I am always with you; you hold me by the right hand. You guide me with your counsel...Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever" (Ps. 73:21-26). Thank you for your faithfulness, even when I am unfaithful. Continue healing my heart. I know you will redeem my pain one day, so I thank you in advance for that. I love you my Redeemer. Amen. 

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