Missions Messed Me Up!

Recently, I handed out Thank You cards to as many of my missions trip supporters as possible. I have been getting many comments on a little line I wrote in the card, which reads: "In all honesty, I feel missions has messed me up". One of my good friends laughed when he read that line and asked me "Messed up? Why don't you say 'inspired' instead?" 
Of course I felt inspired by the trip, but I also feel messed up. For years, I have been trying to figure out where I am going. In the past few years, I thought I was finally figuring out how my future would look like. I truly thought I was going to be working in clinical counseling here in North America. Now, I kind of doubt I will be doing that. I mean, I still love counseling and I know my counseling skills will come to good use in the future, but now I'm wondering if I'll be using those skills outside of North America. It may be too early to say, since I just got back from a short term missions trip to India 2 months ago, but I am afraid that missions may be a part of my future. I had an idea of where I was going... but now, I don't anymore; that's why I say missions has messed me up. 
Almost everyday, I think about the work we did in India and the people we met. I feel so nostalgic. I wish those three weeks in India didn't stop. That scares me. What is God doing in me?
Me, the girl who was closed to missions for years, thinking I was too high-maintenance to even go overseas now desires with all her heart to minister on the missions field. What's wrong with me? I feel so messed up. 
As soon as I thought I knew where I was going, I realize I really don't know. It's like God wants me to have faith in Him or something! As scared and messed up as I feel, I am also excited for what God has in store. 

This is one of my life verses, which continually applies to my journey: "By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going."- Hebrews 11:8

My Prayer: 
Lord, I have no idea what You're doing, of where You're asking me to go. My heart is incredibly stirred up as I think of missions. I don't know what exactly this means. Continue to lead me. Holy Spirit, help me to be obedient to God's calling and to have faith in the plans God has in store for me. I don't want to trust in my plans, but Yours. Your ways are higher and better. I love You and want to follow You where ever You may take me. Let me do this without fear, for Your glory and purposes. Amen.

The youth who live at the train station. They impacted me more than they know.

These are women who have been rescued for the sex trade. Look at the love and affection they showed. How can my heart not be moved?

Will my body betray me?

In 2 days, I leave to India.
I am so excited but to be so honest, sometimes I feel my excitement is overshadowed by worrying about my health.

Yesterday, my nieces and I had just come home from being at the mall. I was so fatigued when I came back, I felt I was going to pass out. My 6 year old niece asked me if I wanted to play outside with her. I said "No, the sun makes me tired.". Then my niece said "You're always tired". I almost teared up when she said that because she was right.

One of the symptoms I feel all the time is fatigue. After the simplest tasks, I get so tired. Fatigue, along with other symptoms like sleepless nights, migraines and rare pain is a bit of what I experience.

Many times, I make plans to go out with friends or go to an event and I have to cancel because of how my body feels. It's so unpredictable and it's so frustrating.

I have truly been afraid that my body will betray me while I am in India. If the heat gets to me here in Canada...how much more in India? I already have problems sleeping in my own bed....how will I sleep on the plane or a different country? If I get so weak here form the simplest tasks, how will I be on the go for 3 weeks?

I cry just thinking about it. I have been praying so hard that my health will not hinder the mission. Hmmm...did I just say that? hinder the mission? Whose mission is this? Jesus' mission. What can hinder Jesus? Nothing!

Last night, I had a hard time falling asleep. Sometimes, when I can't sleep, I begin thinking of the word of God and the characteristics of God. I become so comforted when thinking about such things that I fall asleep. Last night, I feel asleep remembering the powerful miracles of God; opening the Red Sea, healing lepers, raising the dead. God is so powerful. The Bible says that He is the same yesterday, today and forever. I prayed last night "God, if you were powerful enough to do that (the miracles) than why am I doubting that You will intervene if my health were to go wrong during the missions trip?

God, help me to trust in you. You are creator of my body and therefore Lord of it. Please protect me and my teammates' health. Lord, that You would take over any health concerns. You are powerful God. We're not going on this trip because it's convenient for us; we go for You. Have grace on us, cover us with protection and give us good health. That You would prevail in this. Keep my eyes on You and help me to keep trusting in you in this aspect. May Your Son be glorified in all. Amen. 

Friends, if you'd like to know about what to pray about for me; this is it- my health. Please pray that I will have good health and good sleep while in India. Thank you.