My Year of Singleness: A Time of Rehab for my Heart

"You're doing what?" is just one of the many reactions I got for choosing to do one year of singleness from May 2013- May 2014. Other reactions sounded like "Is that supposed to be spiritual?", "but you were already single", "did you have a problem with not being single?" and one of my favorites came from my friends who had never had a girlfriend or boyfriend, "I don't need a year of singleness; I've been single since I was born!".

So, then, why a year of singleness? Before choosing to do it, a few of my friends did 6-12 months of intentional singleness for varying reasons. When each of those friends told me they were doing a time of singleness, I politely gave a nod and an "mm-hmm" (as any good counseling student would), pretending that I understood their decision. Yet inside, I was thinking how ridiculous and unnecessary it was to do a year of singleness. Interestingly enough, those friends planted that idea in me without ever realizing that I would ever do the same thing.

In May 2013, I fought off the idea of doing a year of singleness- not because I was a serial dater...or even dating at all- but simply because my heart was tired. For a couple years, I had invested my heart into someone who I had no hope of being with. I tried for months to let go but I was also holding on so tightly. I was sick of it. My heart was sick of it. Sick of attaching my heart to someone who wouldn't reciprocate the way I felt. My heart needed a time of rehab. That rehab looked like a year of intentional singleness to me.

Despite the fact that I was already getting over the guy, I felt like I needed to finish healing with a retreat for my heart. A time where I would not allow my heart to become romantically attached again. I created stipulations for myself that would protect my heart from attachment. Obviously, No Dating was one of them (even though I wasn't really dating before that...but just in case I was asked on a date, the rule was made!). I even created the rule of No Crushing on Anyone. I know, cray, cray, right? How do you stop yourself from liking someone? I don't know. But I was going to do it for my heart's sake.

Because I like to look at experiences and extract themes or some sort of system from it, I have gathered that there were three seasons to my year of singleness. It's crazy because the whole point of the year of singleness was to avoid attachment in order to heal completely. Unfortunately, I did not end up avoiding attachment as you will find out soon.

Season 1 {May- August 2013}: Despite the Heat, my Heart Turns Cold

The beginning of Season 1 was hopeful yet also devastating. Hopeful because I felt that the following year would be one of healing. Devastating because I was going through various health issues. For those of you who know me well, you know that the past few years have been hard on my health. The last thing I needed was another diagnosis. In May 2013, I was told I may not be able to have children due to a syndrome I have. Don't get my wrong, I love kids, but I have never really been excited to have my own. I truly get more excited about adopting. Based on that, I probably should not have been that disappointed to know that I may not be able to have kids, right? WRONG. Suddenly, when you're told you can't have something that you thought you would have been able to have, you want it. I cried and cried. I labeled myself as unmarryable (is that even a word?) because no man would want me if I couldn't make a baby for him.
Eventually, I was comforted by hope in God. Anything is possible for God; to give me a man one day who will be able to handle my potential infertility or for God to give me a baby. I've seen many of my friends who were supposed to be infertile have babies. The thing is, I won't know until I try. I'm leaving this in God's hands.
Besides that heavy news, I enjoyed the rest of Season 1 of my singleness. There were no distractions and for the first time in a while, my heart felt like it was set free. I was enjoying my time of singleness so much that I began contemplating a lifetime of singleness. In hindsight, I wonder if I was trying to protect myself from anymore hurt. So, during the hot summer of 2013, my heart turned cold to relationships and future marriage.

Season 2 {September-December 2013}: I Fell in the Fall

I ended the summer with enjoying my singleness and contemplating a lifetime of it. On the most part, I continued wanting that during Season 2 of my year of singleness...but I did begin to fall for someone at school. He wasn't my type at all yet I was attracted to him and liked being with him. I pushed my attraction away so I could be faithful to the rules I placed on myself for the year. I thought that after my Christmas break, I'd get over my attraction and all would be normal again. How many of you see where the story is going? Yup, you're right. My attraction didn't leave when I came back from the holidays but it was only getting stronger.

Season 3 {January-May 2014}: Understanding Attachment

"What the heck is wrong with me?" is what I was thinking. Why couldn't my heart stay away from attaching itself? I shared my feelings with a friend and she simply and gracefully responded with "so, what's wrong with that? what's wrong with your heart getting attached?". She was right. I was acting like attachment was wrong- not only because it was part the rules for my year of singleness- but because I associated it with hurt.
To take that thought a little deeper, one of my classes was influencing the way I viewed relationships. In my Theology of the Human Person class, Dr. Victor Shepherd (the professor), spoke about Martin Buber's theory of I and Thou. This theory states that humankind finds purpose, meaning and identity when in relationship with others and with God. The more this theory was talked about, the more I appreciated my relationship with God and others. Suddenly, my desire to be single forever began fading. Dr. Shepherd spoke of marriage being one of the most intimate relationships a human being can be blessed with on this earth. Yes, intimacy can happen in other relationships, but the most intimate human relationship is in marriage. I was sold. Martin Buber's theory of the I and Thou Relationship was providing healing for my heart and even for my desire for marriage.
As for the guy I was crushing on, I realized how terrible of a match we would be. As quickly as my feelings began for him is as quickly as my feelings left. As brief an silly as that crush was, it helped my process of healing even though I broke one of my rules: Thou shalt not have a crush on anyone.

Conclusion of my Year of Singleness

When I started my year of singleness in May 2013, I never imagined ending it on a mission trip in Peru. I thought it was a beautiful way to end my year of singleness on May 2014 as I was focusing on Jesus and working for Him and the Gospel in Peru.
By the end of my mission trip, it was difficult for me to say goodbye to my new Peruvian friends. With each goodbye hug I gave to the missionaries' kids, the University students, ministry staff and all the people we came across during out trip, my heart was in pain. As I was saying goodbye to some of the students we taught English to, one of the missionaries we worked with said to me "You have a beautiful heart. Your heart attaches itself so much, doesn't it?". It was such a simple comment yet it impacted me so much. I am so grateful she made that observation about me because it concluded my year if singleness magnificently.
I realized that my heart not only attached itself quickly, romantically, but in all relationships. When a bond is made, my heart attaches itself. I am guilty of loving quickly and passionately. Many times, this love has taken me to get hurt. So although I look for opportunities to attach myself through relationships, I distance myself because I don't want to get hurt.
Everyone goes through this right? It just took me a year to learn it.
Did I end up avoiding attachment? No. I did get over the guy that caused me to enter the year of singleness in the first place. And the brief crush I had didn't last. But I attached myself to others. Not in an unhealthy way...but rather the way we're supposed to attach ourselves to others. God created us to be in relationship not only with Him, through Jesus, but also with others. Being in relationship is part of living out the image of God in us.

"I was made to live. I was made to love. I was made to know You." Brooke Fraser, CS Lewis Song

Ending my year of singleness in Peru (May 2014)

The missionary who impacted me more than she intended <3

The girl in the pink is the one who asked me "what's wrong with getting attached?"
The guy was my brief crush. Just kidding; he's a good friend. The crush will remain a secret ;) 

"Why are you going to Peru?"... FAQ about my Peru Trip

I don't know why it's taken me so long to write about my missions trip to Peru. So, I thought I'd share with you a little bit more about why I'm going on a second missions trip since going to India almost a year ago.

I thought it would be fun to make this blog consist of my answers from Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) about my Peru trip. Yes, I have been asked all these questions. Either I have really supportive friends or really nosy ones ;) I'd like to believe they're supportive! lol. Here are the FAQ:

1. Why are you going to Peru?
When I was in India, as I was walking in downtown Kolkata on a Sunday night after church, I suddenly began to wonder what missions in Latin America would be like. My heart was moved and was delighting in the work that we were doing in Kolkata (working with women rescued from the sex trade and children rescued from homelessness). I began to desire being involved in outreach work in Latin America. Why Latin America? Not sure. Maybe because I'm from El Salvador. I've never felt the desire to do missions in Latin America. Remember, I'm new to this whole missions thing! So, the first time I got that desire as I was walking in Kolkata, it puzzled me. I brushed off the thought and kinda hoped it wouldn't return. Yet, at random times during the trip, I kept wishing, desiring and wondering about missions in Latin America. To be honest, the thought off missions in Latin American was bothering me a bit, so I began to pray about it: "Okay, so I don't know why I keep getting these thoughts or desires to do outreach in Latin America, but God if this is something that you are planting in my heart right now, then I pray that you may make it happen in your timing. It's in your hands. Amen" Usually God takes a while to make things happen, right? So, I truly thought that if this were something the Lord would be leading me to, then maybe a mission trip to Latin America would be far in the future. Plus, I didn't plan on going on another missions trip soon after India.

Our team in downtown Kolkata

Fast-forward two weeks after I got back to Canada from India, I heard about a missions trip  my school (Tyndale) was planning to Peru. Immediately, I thought about the desire I had in India to do outreach in Latin America and my prayer of putting the potential trip in God's hands. I thought it may not be a coincidence that Tyndale was having a trip to Peru. I think it had been years since Tyndale went to Latin America. I put the potential trip Peru in God's hands. Eight months later and I'm off to Peru in a few days to be introduced to missions in Latin America!

2. Where in Peru are you going?
Lima and Arequipa. The majority of our work will be done in Arequipa.

3. Who are you going with?
A team from my school: 3 students, a staff member and me. We vary in age and backgrounds, yet we go with the same mission: to partner with Jesus' mission in Peru

Our team, eating at a Peruvian restaurant

4. What are you going to do there?
Our team will mainly be working with youth and young adults as we teach ESL which will serve as a bridge to build relationships with the people. We will also have opportunities to share about Jesus Christ, the Gospel and our testimonies. The missionary we will be working with has been so kind as to ask what else would we like to do. Immediately, I said "street outreach!" My hope is to see who the marginalized are in Peru.

5. How long are you going for?
17 days

6. Do you have any fears about going?
Yeah, two...you might think they're silly fears, but they're real fears to me!
1) I'm afraid of getting made fun of for my rusty Spanish! I'm hoping that after a few days of being immersed in a Spanish context, I'll flow much better ;)
2) I'm afraid of having comments made about my weight. Being a Latina, I know how comfortable Spanish people can be talking about weight and telling you that you need to shed a few pounds! I've become accustomed to the Canadian way of not mentioning weight at all. Oh well, I may come back motivated to work out after a few comments!

7. Will you be going to Machu Picchu?
Not that I know of. It will be a bit far from where we will be doing our work.

I have been asked a few other questions which I am not adding to this blog post because they're a bit silly! You know who you are!

Now, I'd like to ask you a question: How can you support me? 
Three ways: 1) Pray for our team. That impact would happen; impact on the students to learn ESL, impact on the people we share the Gospel, impact on the missionaries we'll be working with (i.e. receiving encouragement and help from us) with and impact on our team. 2) Encouragement. If you have encouraging words or advice your'd like to share with me about Peru or missions, please do! 3) Financial donations. You can donate here: Send Arleen to Peru

At my Peruvian birthday fundraiser

Thanks for reading and stay tuned as we keep you informed on our trip. Check out our first 2 vlogs: Vlog 1 and Vlog 2

More than just a bike ride

Just about every morning in September, we would grab our bikes from the garage and ride down our favorite bike trail. She always pedaled faster than me- not because she was competitive- but because she was so excited to be outside, in nature. I didn't mind because I admired the way she appreciated every part of our bike ride. With one hand she controlled her bike and with the other hand, she reached out for the branches and leaves to feel them. She never looked straight ahead or at the ground as she was riding, but instead, she curiously scanned her surroundings. She was always in child-like awe of the trees, the sky, the river running alongside the trail and the deer that would camouflage themselves so subtly with the tall golden grass. We would always stop for a break, to sit near the river. I took pictures of the scenery and scrolled down my facebook while she waited to catch a glimpse of jumping salmon swimming against the current.

To many, this may all seem ordinary. It was only 8 months earlier that few friends and I taught her how to ride a bike. She wasn't a little girl. She was a woman, in her mid twenties. How could she not know how to ride a bike?
Well, she comes from a South-Asian country where the liberty of a women is not the same as it is here in North America. Only men rode bikes where she grew up. She explained "Even if I did ride a bike, where would I go? Women cannot go anywhere alone."
It was her dream to ride a bike. When she came to Canada, that dream came true.

Our bike rides are so much for than just bike rides. I realized that bike rides for her meant freedom. For me, it has become more than just good exercise and a nice instagram picture. I have come to appreciate this little freedom that I have taken for granted for years. Beyond that, she has taught me to put my phone down and look up at the sky, the river and the animals on the trail. 

This freedom, as women, to bike (alone) and to survey nature is a gift from God. 

Me on my phone and her enjoying the scenery

Sky gazing while sitting outside

catching a glimpse of the salmon as they jumped up

“The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by human hands. And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything. Rather, he himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else. From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us. ‘For in him we live and move and have our being. As some of your own poets have said, ‘We are his offspring.'"- Acts 17:24-28

Birthday, Uncle's Death and Breast Cancer: The Theme of Life Throughout My Week.

One of the weird things I like to do when watching a TV show is figure out the episode's theme. Whether it's a kids shows or an adult sitcom, there always seems to be a theme, or a moral to the story. 

Sometimes, I can't help but think that there is a running theme in certain seasons of our lives. 

Since my school year started, I feel the running theme has been death and life. I feel this theme has been most apparent this past week. 

On Monday, it was my 28th birthday. How can anyone not think of life on their birthday? I know 28 is still considered young (to some people) but I am grateful I've made it to this age. I had such an amazing day, as I was showered with love by my friends with a surprise cake, love notes on my bedroom door, handmade gifts, donations toward my missions trip and many facebook birthday wishes. I felt loved and special. At the end of the day, I asked God "why did you allow me to have such a beautiful day? It was such a gift.". 

The next day, I realized what a gift my birthday truly was as I got news that my uncle in El Salvador had passed away. Once again, I was faced with the theme of life...and death. My uncle Nelson was a special part of my upbringing in El Salvador. Every Friday, my older brother and I would go to my grandparents house to sleep over. My uncle Nelson lived with my grandparents and would act bothered by our weekly visits. He would say "ay vienen los monstritos!" (Translation: Here come the little monsters!). Yet, when we didn't visit, he would ask "where are the little monsters?". He acted like a tough guy, being all annoyed, but I know he truly liked having us around. Now, my uncle is gone. It was unexpected as he was the baby-or the youngest- of his family. I am grateful that my uncle knew Jesus though. This is the hope we have in Jesus, that death is not the end, but those who believe in Jesus will see each other again one day in a new body. Believers will be resurrected and given a new body, because Jesus resurrected and was given a new body. But that's a topic for another day! The hope of the resurrection though is what redirects the theme of death back to life. 

To end my week, I had what my doctors called "the last follow up appointment". You see, in the summer of 2012, I was told I might have breast cancer. By God's grace, the lump in my breast was found to be benign (non-cancerous). However, the oncologist wanted to monitor it closely for a while, in case there would be malignant growth. So, I went to my follow up appointment and the ultrasound technician's friendly chatter died down a bit. She seemed to be concentrating on what she was seeing on the screen. I wondered if my lump had grown. She said she had to go show the doctor my results immediately. She asked me to wait. During the 20 minutes I waited, I thought "what if I have cancer?" I thought about the satisfaction I have in the life I've lived in Christ. I have no regrets. I would be happy to go if I needed to. After all, the apostle Paul said "to die is gain" (Philippines 1:21). The gain is that we would see Jesus! The ultrasound tech came back and said "You're okay. You don't have to come back here again. No more follow ups.". What suspense! Sheesh! I went to the bathroom to change back into my clothes, I looked in the mirror and prayed "I guess it's your will (or plan) for me to stay here a little longer, isn't it God? If it is, then let me live for You and do big things for You.".

It was time for my uncle to go this week, but it's not my time yet. This life, let us live it for Jesus. We are made for Him. 

"Thou hast made us for thyself, and our heart is restless until it 

finds its rest in thee.” -Augustine, Confessions.

On the topic of life, here's a little song I have in my head at the moment: 

Leadership Lesson: Weak vs. Strong

Leadership positions bring on challenges that can expose one's character. Every time I am in a position of leadership, I learn something new about myself; some things are pleasant...and some aren't! This semester brought on a big lesson for me as a leader and also on grief. 

In November, four out of six members of our student council lost someone in their lives. Four weeks of November brought on four announcements of death. Each one hit me hard because it resurfaced feelings of grief over my mentor's death, who I lost at the end of the summer. With each announcement of death, I became more and more heavy-hearted. All I wanted to do was stop everything- school assignments, student council duties, work, etc- and just curl up and grieve. All I wanted during November was to be weak. I became so frustrated when I realized I couldn't be weak. I felt pressure by my leadership role to be strong. The big question of November was: "to be weak or to be strong?" I see value in being vulnerable. Why couldn't I be weak, even if I was the leader? I thought it wasn't fair.

I then realized why I needed to be strong. 

One of the deaths that happened in November was a student at my school. The death was sudden and shocking for our school community. Our school handled this student's death in such an admirable way. They comforted the student body by talking about grief, providing counseling and exuding calm in the midst of chaos. The latter impacted me. When I saw the way the student dean lead the students with peace, I realized that it gave the students as sense of hope, that everything was going to be okay. 

I used to hate the saying "you have to be strong for others" because I feel that it can deny the person's sorrow and thus suppress pain. Now, I have come to understand the importance of that saying. If I am strong, those who I lead will also be strong. In chaos, I want to be the type of leader that brings wisdom, balance, and hope. Although I value vulnerability, there is a time and place for it...especially when you're in leadership. Just as the 911 respondent or the paramedic must remain calm in emergency situations, so should the leader to instill peace and hope in those he/she is responsible for. 

To all the leaders out there,  I am not telling you to suppress your emotions, but instead, find someone like a mentor, a friend or one person on your team who you can speak to about your true feelings. Although "weakness" is not something that should be looked down upon, a leader must decide if demonstrating his/her "weakness" will edify those who are being led. 

Missions Messed Me Up!

Recently, I handed out Thank You cards to as many of my missions trip supporters as possible. I have been getting many comments on a little line I wrote in the card, which reads: "In all honesty, I feel missions has messed me up". One of my good friends laughed when he read that line and asked me "Messed up? Why don't you say 'inspired' instead?" 
Of course I felt inspired by the trip, but I also feel messed up. For years, I have been trying to figure out where I am going. In the past few years, I thought I was finally figuring out how my future would look like. I truly thought I was going to be working in clinical counseling here in North America. Now, I kind of doubt I will be doing that. I mean, I still love counseling and I know my counseling skills will come to good use in the future, but now I'm wondering if I'll be using those skills outside of North America. It may be too early to say, since I just got back from a short term missions trip to India 2 months ago, but I am afraid that missions may be a part of my future. I had an idea of where I was going... but now, I don't anymore; that's why I say missions has messed me up. 
Almost everyday, I think about the work we did in India and the people we met. I feel so nostalgic. I wish those three weeks in India didn't stop. That scares me. What is God doing in me?
Me, the girl who was closed to missions for years, thinking I was too high-maintenance to even go overseas now desires with all her heart to minister on the missions field. What's wrong with me? I feel so messed up. 
As soon as I thought I knew where I was going, I realize I really don't know. It's like God wants me to have faith in Him or something! As scared and messed up as I feel, I am also excited for what God has in store. 

This is one of my life verses, which continually applies to my journey: "By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going."- Hebrews 11:8

My Prayer: 
Lord, I have no idea what You're doing, of where You're asking me to go. My heart is incredibly stirred up as I think of missions. I don't know what exactly this means. Continue to lead me. Holy Spirit, help me to be obedient to God's calling and to have faith in the plans God has in store for me. I don't want to trust in my plans, but Yours. Your ways are higher and better. I love You and want to follow You where ever You may take me. Let me do this without fear, for Your glory and purposes. Amen.

The youth who live at the train station. They impacted me more than they know.

These are women who have been rescued for the sex trade. Look at the love and affection they showed. How can my heart not be moved?

My Lacorina...She's Gone. Grief, Gratefulness and God.

Almost no friend of mine is exempt from the nicknames that I give. I called Carolina, my Lacorina. 

When I was 17, I started going to a church without my family. This was hard because all my life I had gone to church with my whole family. I went to that church for 8 years. Not having family there was tough sometimes, especially since the church was Hispanic and therefore very family oriented. Many times, I felt lonely. I quickly learned that the youth group would be the main place for community, growth and support. About a year later of attending that church, I became a youth leader and my time in ministry began. I learned so much in those days, especially from our youth pastor, Jose. He led by example. From him, I learned in ministry to love those you serve, be respectful to authority, put others above you, seek to do all things biblically and go about things wisely. Youth group and the youth leadership team were a place I felt like I could be myself; and because of that, I was able to grow so much in my faith. Jose was someone I looked up to and was supported by. 

A few years later, Jose met a lovely woman named Carolina and they got married. They were truly a match made in heaven. I had never met someone so mature, wise and relational like Carolina. I admired her life. She served Jesus faithfully in ministry in El Salvador and mission in Africa. She waited long to be married to the right man. Once married, her and Jose waited for God to knit a baby in her womb...and He did! When Carolina came in the picture, I felt I had even more support because she was a woman and she was able to speak to my life in the areas that Jose couldn't. Carolina and Jose constantly showered me with love. I used to tell them frequently that I felt they were my spiritual parents; they were my family at church. 

Carolina has truly been the most amazing person I've met. It was hard for me to trust and open up to people, but I learned that she was someone I could go to for help. She got me through really difficult times in my life...especially through heartbreaks. The words that poured out of her mouth were always wise, honest and filled with love. She always made me feel cared for as she always checked up on how I was doing and gave me gifts all the time, for no particular reason. She was so giving. She always said "I was thinking of you, so I got you this". She would text me and say "we love you and are praying for you". Her love for me didn't stop even when I moved to another city for school. The past 2 years that I've been in Toronto, I've continued to feel her support and love. Just about every time I came home to visit, I would visit Jose and Carolina. I would spend Christmas and sometimes New Years with them. We would share meals together and occasional day trips. Not only were they so inviting with me, but also with many others. They have treated me like their family and for that I'm so grateful.

Because of Carolina's impact in my life, I am able to be a woman who enjoys my singleness. I am able to learn how to wait on the Lord faithfully, clinging to His promises. I am able to strive to be a wise woman in ministry. I able to seek to be a mentor, the way that she invested in me.  

I only knew Carolina for 7 short years. Her life ended today. I truly thought she would be a part of my life forever. Carolina- my Lacorina- has died suddenly and left a husband and a 3 month baby. I feel incredibly distraught. I feel hurt that she is not on this earth any longer. 

Since she was a believer in Jesus (as her only God and saviour), I know she is in Jesus' presence now. I know that I will see her again. Nevertheless, the pain of her death and absence is here. I don't know if I will ever again meet someone like my Lacorina. She meant so much to me because I've had very very few people invest in my life the way she and Jose have done...and now, she's gone. 

My heart hurts-literally- from the pain I feel from her death. Don't tell me to stop sobbing. I will cry because I have lost a dear one. Don't tell me to be strong. I will be weak while I grieve. Don't tell me to be happy because she's in heaven. I know she is with Jesus- but let me mourn for her because she isn't with us anymore. 

We must learn how to grieve and mourn. God allows us to do so and not to suppress our emotions. Even Jesus, knowing he would raise Lazarus from the dead- cried because his friend was gone (John 11). So, let me follow Jesus' example and let me cry for my dear friend, sister and mentor. 

Weeping lasts for the night, but joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5). 

Thank you Jesus for letting Carolina- my Lacorina- to come into my life and the lives of so many. We are in pain because we will miss her so much. We groan because we ache for her husband and baby. But we are comforted by you God. Bad things happen on earth, but you remain good! Thank you because we can depend on you and the comfort of your word. We know we will see her again. We know that she is in your presence now; joyful and without pain. I'm a little jealous of her because she gets to meet you sooner than us. But I thank you for letting us borrow her for a little bit of time... for that little bit of time did a lot of impact to a lot of people. Thank you Jesus for living through her. Thank you Jesus because she has left a legacy...let us carry it on, just as she did, till the day we die. Amen.  

At Caro's wedding

Spending Christmas with them in 2011.

A big part of our work in ministry was planning youth retreats. This was the last one we planned together in 2011. 

At my 25th Birthday

Visiting Carolina and Jose's newborn baby for the first time.

Favorite day in Kolkota: Howrah Station, Kali Temple, dying people and brothels

 Why would my favorite day include such brokenness and idol worship that my title mentions? It's not that I delight in the latter but rather I delight in the hope that exists in such dark circumstances. I am so glad that upon our arrival to Kolkota, we were introduced to JIAC, where exactly sex workers now have the opportunity to learn about Jesus, learn how to read and write, learn English and work in an honorable trade (jewelry making). In addition, we went to the Children's home, where homeless children have been rescued to a good home. Seeing the women at JIAC and the kids at the children's home allowed me to see the hope that exists for those who continue to be in a hopeless situation of homelessness or prostitution.

Something that I learned about myself here in Kolkota is that I love to be at the beginning of the process; in the dark and hopeless circumstance. Most of the team likes to be in the nurturing part of the process; being with the children at the home and with the women at JIAC. I admit that walking into dirty slums and brothels is not comfortable or pretty but there's something about it that stirs my heart. I am just so impressed with how Jesus shines in the darkness. This is why I love working with ex-offenders, the homeless and going into slums and brothels; because I see the light of Jesus shining in the darkness. The darker the place, the more I want to go there to see Jesus shine His truth and hope.
This is what we did on my fave day:

• Went to Howrah station to connect with the kids who live there. Had a great time with them. I longed to know how to speak Bengali so I could connect with them even more. I don't know if I'll have the opportunity to see them again because our schedule is so packed. They told me that the next time I come, they want me to bring a downloaded movie on my playbook. That made me laugh. It's so cute...they want to have a movie day!
• Next, we went to Kalighat (area surrounding the Kali temple). Walking down to the temple, about 90% of the stands we passed were selling idolatrous merchandise. We finally arrived to the Kali temple and witnessed some people sacrificing at the outer court. 
• Right beside the Kali temple is Mother Theresa's home for the sick and dying. We went in to greet the people in there. My heart was pierced when I saw a dying women groan with pain. I have volunteered in hospice before and it brought back sour memories for me of seeing people die. Now that's a job I cannot do, to help the sick and dying. 
• We then walked to the brothels. We visited one lady who is not a prostitute anymore because Jesus has redeemed her. She was sick, so we prayed for her in a small house/room that we later came to find out was a room for rent for prostitution. Yet, Jesus' presence was there as we prayed over this woman and we sang worship songs. As we were leaving Kalighat, it was pouring rain. We saw sex trade workers under umbrellas, waiting for clientelle, despite the rain. 
• We ended our work day with some street chai and rashgula. 
• We came home, got ready and celebrated Monique's (the missionary we're working with) birthday with her friends and family. It was an honor to share this day with her. She is so loved. 

I came home so stirred up. I prayed to God that he would use me in the dark places, like the ones we visited. I loved this day so much, it made me not want to leave India. I was also thankful and amazed that despite the long day under the sun and out walking, I was not tired. My health in India had been extraordinary! Praise Jesus. I was so concerned about my health before coming to India. God has surely and faithfully taken care of me.

Thanks for reading this. Keep praying for our team and this wonderful ministry in Kolkota.

 Here are some pictures of the day:

Kolkota updates, reflections and observations

In the past few days, our India missions team has had so many special opportunities. I'll attempt to share a few as well as my reflections and observations. 

Highlights 

• Our team shared a devotional with the ladies at Jewels In A Crown ( JIAC ) about the love that Jesus has called us and empowered us to have toward other Christians. We were told it was a timely word for them.
• We taught an English lesson, going over the alphabet and teaching them the English words for our body parts. We also taught them the song "head and shoulders". They loved it!
• Went to a church care group where I was invited to share my testimony. 
• Here's one of my favorite parts of the week...going to Howrah Station (2nd busiest station in India) to look for and connect with people who live there. These people are mostly children who beg or steal or scrounge to survive. Some have families and some don't. That day there wasn't many children because there was lots of military men around; so the kids get scared and hide (to avoid getting beat or mistreated). Because there were hardly any kids around,  we went to a slum. There, we met many kids and played with them. Because I didn't want to exploit anyone,  I didn't want to take their picture,  but to my surprise, they love getting their picture taken. 
  
  
  
  
• We led a chapel service at the slum school. Our message was "you are fearfully and wonderfully made" (psalm 139: 14).

Reflections

I answered a few emails yesterday which I was avoiding because I want to concentrate on the mission and because I simple don't want to deal with business. It discouraged me to read the emails because it reminded me of some unpleasant businesses I will go back home to face. I felt like I didn't want to go back to Canada. I am falling in love with the work that is being done here. I also feel so comfortable here. These missionaries and this ministry is truly seeking to feed the poor, invite the outcasts and shelter the homeless in the name of Jesus. Yet all these things I also attempt to do in Canada. I realized that maybe I feel like being here more because it's all new and exciting for me and no hardship has presented itself. Am I trying to run away from the trials that surface in the ministries I'm involved with back home? 

On another note,  I have become interested to learn more about some things I've encountered here in Kolkota: eunuchs, airplane glue addicts, slums and brothels. I. Have always been interested in evangelizing in and to the darkest places. maybe this is why the latter subjects interest me. 

Observations 

From the first day,  I noticed so many men. This isofcoursea male dominated society. However,  these are also the effects of gendercide (the abortion of females) which is common here because boys are a blessing and girls require theparents to provide a dowry (monetary/asset gift) when she marries. A dowry is very expensive for poor parents to give;  for this reason, many girls are aborted.

On another note, a simple observation I've made about myself is that I love to teach. I forget this often but when the opportunity comes up your educate, I get excited.

Thanks for following what we're doing on this trip. I share what I do be because I like to, to encourage others in mission and to update my supporters. Thank you. Continue praying for us please. 

Sorry for spelling mistakes and random bold print. It's hard to blog on a playbook!

Day 2 in Kolkota- the ladies, the children's home and my insecurity

In the morning, our team visited the women's group at Jewels In A Crown (JIAC).  We were impacted by the redemption we witnessed in the women as they worshipped Jesus, read the Bible and learned English. These women have been rescued by Jesus and his faithful labourers from the sex trade and shown the way of life in the Son of God.
In the afternoon, we went shopping for Indian clothes, so that we could fit in and relate to the people we will encounter.
Next, we went to one the ministry's children's home. The home was in a village. We had to walk on muddy trails that did not have any mercy on our clean feet. This was very unpleasant for me. I felt like such a city girl. The children we visited have been rescued from the train station were they used to try to survive by begging or doing menial tasks for money. Some children were orphans and some had parents that were not able to care for them (ex. due to alcoholism). At their new home, they are cared for and educated by people who love and serve Jesus.
It was on this day that I was impacted most so far. Although the children touched my heart, the ones I was most impacted by were the house parents. They were so kind, loving, godly and persevering. They shared with us about the struggles that they went through yet they were not discouraged by them whatsoever. But rather, they said "these are only trials that come to life, but Jesus is greater than those and we keep our focus on Him". I admire them more than they know. It encourages me to be faithful in ministry. Jesus, let me serve You faithfully till the day I die!
The last thing I want to share is that on this day, from the morning, I was struggling with something. My whole team was white, while I was the only brown person on the team. Many of them are stared at and served very well here in India. Because I look Indian- yet it is noticicable that I am not from here- I do not receive that special treatment. I felt torn. I was flattered and happy that I look Bengali, yet I felt left out because I was not treated like my teammates and I could not relate to their experiences. It bothered me so much. I prayed and asked God why. Could it be that I also wanted to be admired? Did I want to be viewed as special, like them? I don't know. Maybe it's something I'm not ready to admit but I knew it was wrong. I prayed throughout the day and it got better. I was viewing it as a disadvantage. It also brought up a lot of things inside of me that reminded me of negative experiences in Canada because of being a minority. I cried and confessed it to the team that night during our debrief. Instead of viewing it as a disadvantage, I had to remember that God can use by brown skin. The 2nd person who told me I looked Bengali on the first day said "the women will be so happy that you look the same as them. You will be able to relate to them". Those were such positive words. I had to remember those words and pray that it would be true lest my India experience would be ruined.

1st day in Kolkota

Before arriving to Kolkata, our India missions team arrived in Banglore. Although we didn't leave the airport, we got a little taste of Indians culture and weather. As soon as we arrived at Banglore airport,  I was reminded of El Salvador, which is where I'm from. The airport was simple, small and not as full (as I expected it to be). We boarded our plane, and I was so excited that we only had a 2 hour flight ahead of us. I kept looking out the window, hoping the plane would go faster than usual. My anticipation was high and I couldn't wait any longer!  Finally, when the plane was landing, I had a high and distant glimpse of Kolkata. There was a lot of greenery, colorful buildings and many cars. When we finally landed, I looked At the land and I shed a couple of unexpected tears of relief, joy and gratefulness to God for this opportunity.
Once again,this airport reminded me of El Salvador. Our team picked up our bags and began to look for the missionaries who we are partering with for the next few weeks. We finally saw them and they greeted us each with a red rose. We got in the van and began driving to our guest house. I was so excited I forgot I was tired.
Kolkota reminded me so much of El Salvador; the palm trees, the heat, the crazy traffic, random farm animals on the street and poverty. Of course, Kolkota's poverty is worse than El Salvador's. Maybe it was the fact that Kolkota reminded me of my country that I felt at home; I felt so comfortable.
We toured different parts of kolkata that day, including the Ganges river. We walked the city's streets while our white team members were starred at and pulled at by poor people begging.
Our whole team was warned repeatedly of the culture shock we would experience. We waited the entire day for the shock to hit us...and nothing. In my experience, I felt so at home and comfortable, I did not experience that shock to my senses or my cultural norm. I think this was a blessing and a positive experience.
Lastly, I just want to share that twice on my first day in Kolkota, I was told I look Bengali. I laughed because I knew this would happen!

Will my body betray me?

In 2 days, I leave to India.
I am so excited but to be so honest, sometimes I feel my excitement is overshadowed by worrying about my health.

Yesterday, my nieces and I had just come home from being at the mall. I was so fatigued when I came back, I felt I was going to pass out. My 6 year old niece asked me if I wanted to play outside with her. I said "No, the sun makes me tired.". Then my niece said "You're always tired". I almost teared up when she said that because she was right.

One of the symptoms I feel all the time is fatigue. After the simplest tasks, I get so tired. Fatigue, along with other symptoms like sleepless nights, migraines and rare pain is a bit of what I experience.

Many times, I make plans to go out with friends or go to an event and I have to cancel because of how my body feels. It's so unpredictable and it's so frustrating.

I have truly been afraid that my body will betray me while I am in India. If the heat gets to me here in Canada...how much more in India? I already have problems sleeping in my own bed....how will I sleep on the plane or a different country? If I get so weak here form the simplest tasks, how will I be on the go for 3 weeks?

I cry just thinking about it. I have been praying so hard that my health will not hinder the mission. Hmmm...did I just say that? hinder the mission? Whose mission is this? Jesus' mission. What can hinder Jesus? Nothing!

Last night, I had a hard time falling asleep. Sometimes, when I can't sleep, I begin thinking of the word of God and the characteristics of God. I become so comforted when thinking about such things that I fall asleep. Last night, I feel asleep remembering the powerful miracles of God; opening the Red Sea, healing lepers, raising the dead. God is so powerful. The Bible says that He is the same yesterday, today and forever. I prayed last night "God, if you were powerful enough to do that (the miracles) than why am I doubting that You will intervene if my health were to go wrong during the missions trip?

God, help me to trust in you. You are creator of my body and therefore Lord of it. Please protect me and my teammates' health. Lord, that You would take over any health concerns. You are powerful God. We're not going on this trip because it's convenient for us; we go for You. Have grace on us, cover us with protection and give us good health. That You would prevail in this. Keep my eyes on You and help me to keep trusting in you in this aspect. May Your Son be glorified in all. Amen. 

Friends, if you'd like to know about what to pray about for me; this is it- my health. Please pray that I will have good health and good sleep while in India. Thank you.

Preparing a lesson on "Healthy Sexuality in God's View"

I have been waiting for this week to come. In 6 days, I will be flying to India for my first missions trip. The reason why I have been waiting for this week to come is because I will be using this week to prepare for India; praying, lesson planning, researching, etc.

Just a few weeks ago I was informed that I will be teaching a lesson on "Healthy Sexuality in God's View". The missionary has considered the gifts, areas of interest and passion of our team members and applied it to how we will minister on the missions trip. So, according to my particular interest on the topic I will be teaching on and my ability to teach, I will be doing just that.

For those who don't know, our team will be working 2 groups: 1) Women who are/have been in the sex trade and 2) Children who may (or may not) have been orphaned and beg at the train station.

I just sighed after typing the latter. It's going to be intense. I know it.

Now, the anxiety I'm feeling right now is about the lesson I have to teach on. I have taught on the topic of sexuality before, to youth and girls...but not to women in the sex trade...in India. It's a little intimidating.

Can I be vulnerable with you?

What if I don't teach according to their context?
What if the lesson sounds judgmental?
What if I don't validate what they have gone through?

These are just some of the 'what if's' I have been asking myself. I cannot depend on myself, I need to depend on God the Holy Spirit to teach through me.

Lord, please teach your truths through me and the rest of our team. Let us be bold in declaring your truths but also loving, wise, understanding and creative. Let us not fear. Help us to be confident in your truths. The Bible (Isaiah 55:11) says that Your Word does not return void, so I pray that Your Word will be be sprinkled in the women and children's hearts and that Your Holy Spirit would do the work of germination in them. That fruit would grow, fruit that would multiply and glorify Jesus, according to John 15. 
Jesus, be lifted up with our words, deeds and motives as we prep and as we go to India. Amen. 

Leadership Lesson: guys & girls are different!

On Thursday afternoon, I said goodbye to the outgoing student council who I served with for the past year. This council team had only one guy, while the rest of us were girls. Props to Aaron for putting up with us and our girly conversations all year long!

As I said goodbye to the outgoing council, I said hello to the new student council who I will be working with for the next year. Now this team is all guys, except for me and another member. 

For two days, our new council retreated as we trained for our new roles. During our retreat however, the other female member was absent. So, it was me and a few guys. Immediately, I began to notice the difference of going from a dominantly female team to a dominantly male team. I first noticed this difference when the guys wanted to stop at a bike store! lol. After conversing about the Boy Scouts and browsing tin mugs, bikes and lighters I realized I was with a bunch of guys and no longer with my ladies! aaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!

So, I just wanted to share the things I learned while being on team with all guys for the past 2 days. Now, these things that I learned are not general facts about men and women. Rather, these are my observations of the differences of being on a mainly female team to now being on a mainly male team. Here goes:

• Guys are quick at making decisions! I began facilitating our first meeting by speaking about the vision/them of this coming school year. I anticipated this meeting would go for a couple hours (minimum). To my surprise, the meeting went an hour long! We made quite a bit of significant decisions during this meeting and it surprised me at how quick the guys were at making these decisions. Each one didn't really elaborate on their decision; they simply decided and stated it. This quick decision-making surprised me but made me happy because we got an early lunch :)
• Guys don't snack as often as girls. Last year, I remember that we had salty and sweet snacks galore! And let me tell you that most of those snack were eaten! Making decisions, talking business also meant comfort foods! mmmmm! For the past 2 days however, only a few of the snacks were opened and only a bag of gold fishes was finished. I asked the guys why they weren't eating the snacks. They simply answered "we ate big hearty meals". Ohhh man...we ate hearty meals last year too yet we consumed those snacks let me tell you that!
• Guys like to take initiative. I noticed that most of the time, when we were about to begin or conclude with prayer, before I asked someone to pray, one of the guys would volunteer himself or he would just begin praying.
• Guys like to protect. What I mean by protect is that they like to take care. These past 2 days, on the retreat, I saw the guys really act like gentlemen. No ladies, chivalry isn't dead. And no ladies, I'm not all about being too proud or independent to have doors opened for me. So, during the retreat, I kinda felt taken care of. Not that the guys were waiting on me hand and foot, but once in a while, they'd open a door for me, speak for me, or carry something for me. This was really nice!

I think I'm going to like being on this team! lol. I'm learning a lot so far... my main lesson so far is: guys and girls are different! lol. How obvious this fact is- yet how little do we remember this!

P.S. If anyone has any advice on how to be in a leadership (presidential) position with a dominantly male team, I would be more than grateful to receive it! I'd like this to be a good experience for us couple girls on the team and the guys. 

My Major Research Paper on Natural Revelation

One of my major passions in life is theology. I have enjoyed taking Systematic Theology this past year. I loved taking it in my undergrad and I loved it now. I hope this is an area that the Lord will allow me to continue studying, even though I believe my calling to be counselling. 

Some of my friends were interested in reading my first Major Research Paper for systematic theology. I wrote it on Natural Revelation (also known as General Revelation or Natural Theology). I am sharing it with you here. I hope it is educational and can help you grow somehow. 

I will admit that I have a terrible style of academic writing. I apologize for the dryness of it and it it's hard to follow. I got a decent mark on it, so I'm hoping it's not heretical or that hard to follow. Also, for my friends who are picky with Turabian...I'm sorry; this paper must be your worst nightmare! lol. I apologize. 

Well, enjoy. 

Calvin and Company Versus Barth on Natural Revelation

Introduction

            The question “Does God reveal himself through nature?” has come with many answers throughout theology’s history. This paper will explore two answers to this question: yes and no. The latter was a position taken by Karl Barth, while the former was a position formed by John Calvin. The title of this paper indicates that along with Calvin, a company of other theologians who have agreed with his position will also be revealed throughout this discussion. The position of this paper is in agreement with Calvin and will thus attempt to argue Barth’s beliefs of natural revelation. The first section of this paper will reveal Calvin and other theologians who agreed with him on natural revelation. This section will define natural revelation, provide a brief history and also address how natural revelation is limited to come a knowledge of God. The second section of this paper will reveal Barth’s position on natural revelation. In addition, a personal response to Barth’s objection will be discussed. In conclusion, having the foundation and arguments for natural revelation, the last section will provide an application of natural revelation for Christians, not unbelievers. 

Calvin and Company on Natural Revelation

            Based on Biblical passages like Psalms 19, Acts 17 and Romans 1, the doctrine of natural revelation has been developed.[1] According to some theologians like Augustine, Calvin, Emile Brunner and Wayne Grudem, such passages are interpreted to mean that humans can come to knowledge of God’s existence through the impact of nature. Grudem in particular believes that the intricacy of the human body bears witness to God’s character.[2] In the same sense, not only humans, but also the rest of the universe gives glory to God and bears witness of His existence.  Thus the impact of nature communicates to all humans that there is a superior being that must have designed this universe. “All persons everywhere have a deep, inner sense that God exists, that they are his creatures, and that he is their Creator.”[3] Calvin stated that all humans hold a sense of deity, which is engraved in their heart.[4] As a result, God prevents men and women from being completely ignorant of His existence by giving them a sense of deity.[5] This sense of deity is also known as the sensus divinitatus (SD). The SD is a-if not the- major aspect of natural revelation. Natural revelation is universal, or in other words, general for all people. Calvin stated that the SD is universally distributed to all humans throughout history.[6] For this reason, natural revelation is also known as general revelation.        

            Some believe that Calvin’s theory on the SD derived from Hellenistic philosophical teaching of the ‘preconception’ (prolepsis) of God. “Preconception” was created by Epicurus, but was more developed by the Stoics. It is believed that Calvin adopted “preconception” from Cicero’s “On the Nature of the Gods”.[7] Cicero defined “preconception” as “a sort of preconceived mental picture of a thing, without which nothing can be understood or investigated or discussed”.[8] For the Stoics, preconceptions were common to all humans. Some ‘preconceptions’ could be considered to be traits, like justice and honour. Therefore, in relation to the Stoic theory and according to Calvin, the SD is a preconception that God places in the hearts of all humans.[9]

            Of course, the latter is merely an idea of where Calvin would have originated the SD concept. Calvin was not merely a philosopher, but a theologian who derived his ideas from interpreting the Scriptures and not so much concerned with remoulding ancient philosophical ideas. Throughout history, the concept of natural theology has taken on different forms, but it continues to reappear outside the church (ex. Philosophy) and inside the church (ex. Augustine using it against paganism). Finally, in the middle ages, there was a resurfacing of Aristotelianism and thus, natural theology was more developed.[10]   

            As already discussed, Calvin believed that the SD is common to all humans. The SD gives an awareness of God’s existence. In his Institutes, Calvin states: “Therefore, since from the beginning of the world there has been no region, no city, in short, no household, that could do without religion, there lies in this a tacit confession of a sense of deity inscribed in the hearts of all”.[11] By “heart”, Calvin meant to say the place where reasoning is found. Actually, Calvin stated that the SD is located in the mind.[12] Edward Adams explains: “The sensus is not simply a gut feeling, intuition or vague impression, but a cognition, an intellectual consciousness of God the creator. Calvin describes it as a ‘deep-seated conviction that there is a God’ and a ‘certain understanding of his divine majesty’”.[13]           

            Some theologians like John Calvin, Paul Helm and Edward Adams believe that the SD already existed before the Fall. In his Institutes’ of Christian Religion, Calvin begins his discussion of natural revelation by stating that if Adam would not have sinned, the SD would have served as witness to humanity of God’s existence and consequently would have compelled us to worship Him. Thus, the SD could have been sufficient to establish communion with God.[14]

            However, the SD does not function now in the way that God probably intended it to in the beginning. Because of sin, the SD has been smeared and corrupted.[15] According to Paul Helm (not Calvin), the SD was supposed to lead us to believe that one is made in the image of God and that He owns us and this world.[16] However, because the SD is now corrupt, it can no longer take one to a full knowledge of God.[17] Aquinas explains:

Our knowledge starts from sense-perception and reaches only as far as things so perceived can lead us, which is not far enough to see God in himself. For the things we can sense, though effects of God, are not effects fully expressing his power. But because they do depend on him as their cause, they can lead us to know that he exists, and reveal to us whatever is true of him as first cause of all such things, surpassingly different from all of them. By God’s grace, we can know him better than by natural reason alone…[18]

Because Aquinas was before Calvin’s time and before the term SD was coined, the SD was not mentioned in the latter quote, nevertheless, Aquinas is still addressing the knowledge of God that one receives from nature. Natural revelation cannot give humanity a full knowledge of God; only special revelation can. Michael Horton explains that nature is only a witness to God’s existence, but it is not a redemptive revelation.[19] Natural revelation only gives us an awareness of God’s existence but it does not give us knowledge of who God is and what He has done for us. Natural revelation is given to all humans throughout history, but special revelation is particular in that it is only given to a small percentage of individuals throughout history.[20] More about special revelation will be discussed later in this paper. For now, more about the SD’s corruption needs to be addressed.

            The Fall did not erase the SD but it did corrupt it. Even though the SD is corrupt, it still works to lead people to know there is a supreme being that is superior to them. Unfortunately, because the SD is corrupt, it can also lead people to skewed acts, like idol worship. The SD helps to lead people to acknowledge an existence of God but it also condemns them because it does not take them to a full knowledge of God, but rather to idolatry. In order to appease their consciences to worship a supreme being, people will create idols to worship and religions to follow.[21] Calvin noted that our SD was corrupt and thus misguided. Consequently, the individual would fall into idolatry and worship creation rather than the Creator.[22] Due to this, Calvin concluded that idolatry actually proves the SD exists.[23] Calvin also believed that the SD was also proved in Atheists.[24] Wayne Grudem explains the latter by drawing his answer from Romans 1. Grudem says that Paul taught that Gentile unbelievers recognized God’s existence through nature, yet they did not honour Him as God.[25] Thus, people are able to deny their inner sense of God and His existence.[26] So, although people many deny or suppress the SD, it is still engraved in their hearts. At the same time, because the SD is corrupt and leads people to idol worship, it also condemns them. However, the SD is not completely hopeless and unnecessary. Like Calvin, his successor, Theodore Beza never declares that natural revelation is a route to true knowledge of God because special revelation is needed.[27] “So, while it is possible to have a true natural theology, special revelation builds on natural revelation. That which is dimly sensed in nature is more clearly seen in supernatural grace.”[28] Now, before providing more information on special revelation, we will now turn to Karl Barth’s objections to natural revelation. In turn, this paper will counter Barth’s arguments by expanding special revelation.

Karl Barth on Natural Revelation

            A very well known opponent to natural revelation is Karl Barth. Barth did not deny the existence of natural revelation, but his objection was that it gave too much autonomy to the sinner to come to know God. How could God allow the sinner to seek him and come to know of His existence if the very problem that made humans a sinner was their autonomy? This seems to be the problem in Barth’s mind. Thomas Torrance, who was Barth’s interpreter and translator, explained that the main aspect that Barth considers invalid in natural theology is “its independent character”, which meant there could be no self-disclosure of the Triune God in nature.[29] Barth did not believe that humans can come to the knowledge of God with mere natural revelation because humans are too corrupt to come to the revelation of the Gospel on their own. Only God is able to reveal a saving truth; humans cannot achieve or understand it by themselves and without God or His grace.[30] Allister McGrath describes Barth’s objections to natural revelation as an “anxiety” which fears that natural revelation gives too much autonomy and control to the individual to know God.[31] In addition, other sources have commented how Barth believed that grace would be absent if an individual could truly come to know anything about God from nature. This “anxiety” is what made Barth disagree with natural revelation.

            The interesting fact about all of this is that Barth was actually in somewhat of an agreement with Calvin and company! To explain this agreement, we need to remember that Calvin and company actually did not believe that natural revelation could actually bring someone to a full knowledge of God. They believed that God bears witness to Himself through His immense and complex creation. However, His witness in creation is insufficient to bring someone to the truth because special revelation is needed.[32] Calvin and Barth agreed that only with special revelation can one come to a full knowledge of God. Barth agrees with the Church Fathers: “we cannot know God except through God”.[33] However, the division came when Barth stated that revelation of God’s existence cannot come through nature, but only through God’s revelation. Once again, what Barth does not appreciate about natural revelation is that humanity seems to be in somewhat of a control of understanding God.[34] However, Calvin and company were not saying that God could be known fully through nature; for this reason they affirmed that special revelation was needed.

            Barth’s agreement with Calvin and company of how a full knowledge of God can only be known through special revelation still did not bring them together on this point. Barth rejected all natural theology because he believed that the only revelation of God comes from the Word through the Holy Spirit.[35]

            Calvin and company were not claiming that the way of the Pelagian’s; that natural revelation offers a way of salvation to sinful humans.[36] Now, just as Calvin’s position was not based on heresy (Pelagianism), neither was Barth’s position. Thomas Torrance made it clear that Barth’s objection to natural revelation did not have Deism as its basis. Barth did not believe that God was removed from His creation, but he did believe that God did not reveal himself through it.[37] Rather, Barth’s “anxiety” of natural revelation came from his belief that that God’s grace was not as present as human autonomy was.

            To be fair, it would be important to acknowledge the environmental background in which Barth’s objections were formed.  Horton explains:

As Protestant liberalism increasingly assimilated revelation to the imminent development of human potential for morality and progress, the door opened for placing a natural theology alongside God’s revelation in Christ. In the aftermath of the First World War, the German Christian movement argued that God had spoken most fully to our highest spiritual aspirations in Christ and to our highest cultural aspirations in German culture- specifically, in the fuhrer. It was against this backdrop that Karl Barth lodged his protest-his famous nein!- against natural theology.[38] 

Unfortunately, some Christians had placed natural revelation with Christ’s revelation in that time. Christianity began believing in their own abilities because they felt that they had been given the ability to reach their highest potential through revelation. This belief took some Christians to very destructive actions played out in the First World War. It appears that Barth wanted to bring Christianity back to truth by exposing the depravity of human nature. Thus, Barth’s objections to natural revelation become obvious as he was trying to state that humanity was not as moral as they thought they could be; for we are still corrupt. Because we are corrupt, Barth believed that humans were unable to desire to seek God and furthermore, they could not come to a knowledge of God through nature. Human depravity did not allow such revelation. Barth’s reasoning in the midst of his environment makes sense.

            Even though Barth’s objections are understandable, it does not make them right. Calvin and company were not declaring that humans are able to come to know God fully. Rather, we are powerless to come to know God by ourselves. In a way, this puts humanity in an awkaward position: we cannot be ignorant that God exists because he has provided the SD, yet we cannot come to know Him by our own revelation- we need Him.[39]

           It was during the backdrop of war that Christians depended so much on themselves that Barth made his objections of natural revelation well known. Barth wrote his objections to oppose Emile Brunner, who actually was on Calvin’s side when it came to natural revelation. Brunner’s arguments only strengthen natural revelation’s position because they declare that it did not believe humanity could come to a knowledge of God through the SD- but just an acknowledgement of God’s existence. In his debate against Barth, Brunner stated that natural theology does not give us the full truth “because sin has perverted human reason”.[40] Brunner also explained that part of natural revelation’s belief was that God gave humans reasoning. This reason is only enough to convict human conscience to recognize God’s existence and treat people well. However, human reason is not enough to understand redemption.[41] Brunner says: “General revelation displays God’s power, wisdom, righteousness, goodness, and justice as well as human responsibility, “but there it stops: it has no saving power”.[42] Despite Brunner’s reasoning, Barth continued to disagree.

A Personal Response to Barth’s Objections   

            Barth was a solid theologian; however, I feel that Barth did not understand what Calvin and company were trying to communicate about the knowledge of God’s existence which can come through nature. I do not wish to be disrespectful or jump to conclusions by stating that Barth did not understand the concept of natural revelation, but it is clear that Barth felt that God’s grace was not present in the SD theory because it gave humans too much autonomy to come to a knowledge of God. Yet, God’s grace and goodness does seem to be present in natural revelation. God was not obligated to give humans a God-shaped void in their heart that would draw one to believe in His existence. Yet, in His goodness, he provides that for humanity so that they will search him. Acts 17: 27 says: “God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us”. Part of God’s goodness and grace is that he provides things in order for humanity to seek Him, reach Him and find Him by His grace. Horton says: “No one finds God, but God finds us”[43]; I fully agree with this statement. The things that God uses to bring individuals to Him do not imply that He or His grace is uninvolved. Yet Barth seemed to believe that natural theology implied that humanity could get to know God without the grace of God. Barth said that humanity is an enemy to grace, therefore it was impossible to come to a knowledge of God through nature.[44] For this reason, I feel that Barth did not understand what Calvin was trying to say about natural revelation; because Barth believed that grace was uninvolved in natural revelation. Once again, I do not mean to be disrespectful by stating that Barth did not understand Calvin’s defence of natural revelation. It seems to me that grace is so obvious in natural revelation. I must then agree to disagree with Barth in this matter. To conclude my personal response, I would like to agree with Calvin: God leads us by giving us a sense of divinity, but it only takes us so far. We need the scriptures to reveal who God is.[45] Beyond merely understanding what the Scriptures say about God, we need the Holy Spirit to penetrate our hearts with the word and also seal our hearts.[46] On this note, the next section on special revelation will commence. The following section will also be used to counter Barth’s objections to natural revelation.

Special Revelation

            Natural revelation can only bring one to an awareness of God’s existence. Helm states that a good-functioning SD should bring one to believe there is a Creator and we are His creation. However, after the Fall, no SD would be considered to be functioning as it should because it is corrupt. Therefore, the SD only brings one to attempt to appease their conscience and compel them to worship a deity by leading them to idolatry. Due to our depravity, all natural theology is a form of idolatry. According to Romans 1:18, human depravity causes a suppression of the truth; Therefore, humans do not need a deeper revelation found in nature, but a different revelation; the Gospel.[47] Therefore, natural revelation is not sufficient for the knowledge of faith; [48]special revelation is needed. Horton says: “Both for our finitude and for our sinfulness, our reconciliation with God requires revelation in the form of divine initiative and condescension”.[49]          

            Natural revelation demonstrates God as Creator, Lawgiver and Judge, but not as Saviour.[50] God is the only one who can enable humans to believe in Him.[51] It is only through God drawing one through His Holy Spirit’s that one can come to understand their need of Jesus Christ. This truth can only come from the Words of God Himself.  Grudem explains:

Therefore, we need Scripture to interpret natural revelation rightly. Hundreds of false religions in the world are evidence of the way sinful people, without guidance from Scripture, will always misunderstand and distort the revelation about God found in nature. But the Bible alone tells us how to understand the testimony about God from nature. Therefore, we depend on God’s active communication to us in Scripture for our true knowledge of God.[52]

Even though God reveals His existence through nature, human interpretation of God’s identity will be distorted because we are depraved. Therefore, the truth is needed which can only come from the Bible. Nature is not able to tell us that we are depraved and that we need God. Nor is natural revelation able to communicate the Gospel of Christ. Only special revelation is able to reveal the full truth.

            For this reason, Calvin and company believed that special revelation was like an extension of natural revelation.[53] Calvin explained that Natural revelation is a priori knowledge and special revelation is a posteriori knowledge. In other words, natural revelation is primary in that it is knowledge built on experience, and special revelation is secondary because it is built on facts (the Gospel). Calvin believed that both revelations reinforced each other.[54] Both revelations recognize God as the one revealing Himself. Barth believed that natural revelation communicated that the individual would have been in control of coming to a knowledge of God, but this is not what Calvin is saying.

            Research on this topic shows that following a discussion on natural revelation, special revelation is always present because knowledge of God cannot be obtained without it. J. I. Packer states that salvation cannot occur without special revelation. General revelation is not able to communicate the redemptive works of God throughout history; but this is only known through the Scriptures.[55] This fact affirms that Calvin and company did not take away God’s sovereignty, involvement or grace from humans coming to know Him. God is always involved; whether through natural or special revelation.

Application of Natural Revelation in the Believer

            I understand that this section was probably unnecessary for this paper. However, I chose to write about the application of natural revelation in the believer because I believe there is a benefit of it to the Christian. Allow me to explain.

            “It is wrong to treat natural theology and revealed theology as being opposed to each other, provided that nature is construed in a trinitatiran manner as the creation of the self-revealing God”.[56] Natural and special revelation reinforce one another as the last section explained. Of course, the two revelations can only reinforce each other in a person if he/she becomes a believer. Therefore, this quote indicates when one knows God, he/she sees nature as creation and God as its Creator. 

            There have been Christians throughout history that have demonstrated with their devotional reflections that they are lead to know God more through nature. According to Psalm 19, nature proclaims the glory of God. In addition, the psalmist invites us to discover the glory of God and His character, beyond his saving actions to Israel.[57] “None of this [creation] includes any narrations of God’s saving purposes to fallen creatures, but it does testify to God’s attributes expressed in his creative work and moral claim in creation in the original covenant.”[58] Unlike the Psalmist, Aquinas did not emphasize the beauty of creation, he believed that the character of God’s own beauty, goodness and truth were seen in His creation.[59] C.S.Lewis was another believer who was able to benefit from God revealing Himself through the beauty of His creation. Lewis believed that the beauty of creation reflected the beauty of God.[60] Like Lewis, “Augustine of Hippo argued that there was a natural progression from an admiration of the beautiful things of the world to the worship of the one who had created these things, and whose beauty was reflected in them”.[61]

            Not only did Augustine feel lead to worship God due to His beautiful creation, but he was also lead to delve deeper in understanding God.  Augustine explained the Trinity with the analogy of love and knowledge. Augustine believed there to be traces of the Trinity in nature and that as the peak of creation, humans should seek those traces.[62] This is one of the ways that natural theology is a benefit to the Christian. Since the Christian has the knowledge of who the Creator is, they are then able to appreciate creation more and discover parts of God’s character through it.

The believer benefits more from natural revelation and natural theology because they have special revelation. Because the believer knows the object of the revelation, namely Christ, they are lead to worship God and understand Him more.

Conclusion

            Calvin and company held that God has engraved a sense of deity in human beings which gives them an awareness of His existence. However, the SD is corrupt and thus leads humanity to worship creation rather than the Creator. Thus, special revelation is needed. Barth did not believe in the SD because he did not believe people could come to a knowledge of God by themselves because they are depraved. Thus, he only believed that a knowledge of God could only be obtained through special revelation. Calvin and company agreed that people could only come to a full knowledge of God through special revelation. However, unlike Barth, they believed that God was involved in natural revelation; for He is the one who implanted the SD. Calvin and company also believed that special revelation was built on natural revelation whereas Barth would not have believed that. Lastly, I provided an application for believers by giving an example of how a few Christians throughout history were able to benefit from natural revelation; because they know the Creator of nature, they are lead to worship Him and understand Him deeper. 

Bibliography

Adams, Edward. "Calvin’s View of Natural Knowledge of God." International Journal of            Systematic Theology 3, no. 3 (November 2001): 280-92.

Aquinas, Thomas. Summa Theologiae: A Concise Translation. Westminster, MD:   Christian Classics, 1989.

Birch, L C. Nature and God. London: SCM Press LTD, 1965.

Bouillard, Henri. The Knowledge of God. London: Burns & Oates Limited, 1969

Calvin, John. Institutes of the Christian Religion. Peabody, MA: Hendrickson Publishers,             2008.

Campbell, Douglas A. "Natural Theology in Paul? Reading Romans 1.19–20."       International Journal of Systematic Theology 1, no. 3 (November 1999): 231-52.

Evans, C S. Natural Signs and Knowledge of God. Oxford: Oxford University Press,       2010.

Grudem, Wayne. Systematic Theology: An Introduction to Biblical Doctrine. Grand         Rapids: Zondervan, 1994.

Helm, Paul. "John Calvin, the Sensus Divinitatis, and the Noetic eEffects of Sin." International Journal for Philosophy of Religion 43 (1998): 87-107.

Helm, Paul. The Divine Revelation: The Basic Issues. London: Marshal, Morgan &            Scott, 1982.

Horton, Michael. The Christian Faith: A Systematic Theology for Pilgrims on the Way.     Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2011.

Koons, Jeremy R. "Platinga on Properly Basic Belief in God: Lessons from the      Epistemology of Perception." The Philosophical Quarterly 61, no. 245 (October            2011): 839-50.

McGrath, Allister E. A Scientific Theology: Nature. Volume 1. Scotland. T&T Clark         Ltd., 2001.

McGrath, Allister E. The Christian Theology Reader. Oxford. Blackwell Publishers Ltd., 1995.

Van Der Kooi, Cornelius. As in a Mirror: John Calvin and Karl Barth on Knowing God : a Diptych. Leiden, The Netherlands: Koninklijke Brill NV, 2005.

Walker, James B. God Revealed in the Process of Creation and by the Manifestation of    the Lord Jesus. 3rd ed. London: James Nisbet and Co., 1856.

Webster, John. Karl Barth. 2^nd ed. London: Continuum, 2004.

---

[1] Helm, Paul. The Divine Revelation: The Basic Issues. London: Marshal, Morgan &         Scott, 1982. pp. 27-28

[2] Grudem, Wayne. Systematic Theology: An Introduction to Biblical Doctrine. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1994. pg. 141

[3] Ibid. pg. 141

[4] Calvin, John. Institutes of the Christian Religion. Peabody, MA: Hendrickson Publishers, 2008. pg. 10

[5] Ibid. pg. 9

[6] Helm, Paul. "John Calvin, the Sensus Divinitatis, and the Noetic eEffects of Sin." International Journal for Philosophy of Religion 43 (1998): pg. 90

[7] Adams, Edward. "Calvin’s View of Natural Knowledge of God." International Journal of Systematic Theology 3, no. 3 (November 2001): pp. 284-285.

[8] Ibid, Edwards. pp. 284-285.

[9] Ibid, Edwards. pp. 284-285.

[10] Bouillard, Henri. The Knowledge of God. London: Burns & Oates Limited, 1969. pg. 14.

[11] Ibid, Helm. pg. 89.

[12] Ibid, Edwards. pg. 284.

[13] Ibid, Edwards. pg. 284.

[14] Ibid, Edwards. pg. 291

[15] Ibid, Edwards. pg. 291

[16] Ibid, Helm. pg. 93-94

[17] Ibid, Helm. pg. 293

[18] Aquinas, Thomas. Summa Theologiae: A Concise Translation. Westminster, MD: Christian Classics, 1989. pg. 29.

[19] Horton, Michael. The Christian Faith: A Systematic Theology for Pilgrims on the Way. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2011. pp. 141-142.

[20] Ibid, Helm. pg. 90.

[21] Ibid, Calvin. pg. 12

[22] McGrath, Allister E. A Scientific Theology: Nature. Volume 1. Scotland. T&T Clark       Ltd., 2001. pg. 270

[23] Ibid, Calvin. pg. 9.

[24] Ibid, Edwards. pg. 286.

[25] Ibid, Grudem. pg. 141.

[26] Ibid, Grudem. pg. 141.

[27] Ibid, McGrath. pg. 277.

[28] Ibid, Horton. pg. 141.

[29] McGrath, Allister E. The Christian Theology Reader. Oxford. Blackwell Publishers Ltd., 1995. pg. 87

[30] Ibid, McGrath, 1995. pg. 69.

[31] Ibid, McGrath, 2001. pg. 277.

[32] Ibid, Calvin. pg. 24

[33] Bouillard, Henri. The Knowledge of God. London: Burns & Oates Limited, 1969. pg. 28.

[34] Ibid, McGrath, 2001. pg. 269

[35] Ibid, Bouillard. pp. 7, 13.

[36] Ibid, Horton. pg. 150.

[37] Ibid, McGrath, 1995. pp. 85-86.

[38] Ibid, Horton. pg. 146

[39] Ibid, Calvin. pg. 25

[40] Ibid, Horton. pg. 147.

[41] Ibid, Horton. pg. 147.

[42] Ibid, Horton. pg. 149.

[43] Ibid, Horton. pg. 51.

[44] Ibid, Bouillard. pg. 15.

[45] Ibid, Calvin. pg. 26.

[46] Ibid, Calvin. pp. 33-34.

[47] Ibid, Horton. pg. 142.

[48] Ibid, Bouillard. pg.29.

[49] Ibid, Horton. pg. 51.

[50] Ibid, Horton. pg. 149.

[51] Ibid, Grudem. pg. 144.

[52] Ibid, Grudem. pg. 149.

[53] Ibid, Horton. pg. 141.

[54] Ibid, Edwards. pp. 288-289.

[55] Ibid, McGrath, 1995. pg. 85

[56] Ibid, McGrath, 2001. pg. 296.

[57] Ibid, Horton. pg. 140.

[58] Ibid, Grudem. pf. 140.

[59] Ibid, McGrath, 2001. pg. 236

[60] Ibid, McGrath, 2001. pg. 235.

[61] Ibid, McGrath, 2001. pg. 234.

[62] Ibid, McGrath, 1995.