My Year of Singleness: A Time of Rehab for my Heart

"You're doing what?" is just one of the many reactions I got for choosing to do one year of singleness from May 2013- May 2014. Other reactions sounded like "Is that supposed to be spiritual?", "but you were already single", "did you have a problem with not being single?" and one of my favorites came from my friends who had never had a girlfriend or boyfriend, "I don't need a year of singleness; I've been single since I was born!".

So, then, why a year of singleness? Before choosing to do it, a few of my friends did 6-12 months of intentional singleness for varying reasons. When each of those friends told me they were doing a time of singleness, I politely gave a nod and an "mm-hmm" (as any good counseling student would), pretending that I understood their decision. Yet inside, I was thinking how ridiculous and unnecessary it was to do a year of singleness. Interestingly enough, those friends planted that idea in me without ever realizing that I would ever do the same thing.

In May 2013, I fought off the idea of doing a year of singleness- not because I was a serial dater...or even dating at all- but simply because my heart was tired. For a couple years, I had invested my heart into someone who I had no hope of being with. I tried for months to let go but I was also holding on so tightly. I was sick of it. My heart was sick of it. Sick of attaching my heart to someone who wouldn't reciprocate the way I felt. My heart needed a time of rehab. That rehab looked like a year of intentional singleness to me.

Despite the fact that I was already getting over the guy, I felt like I needed to finish healing with a retreat for my heart. A time where I would not allow my heart to become romantically attached again. I created stipulations for myself that would protect my heart from attachment. Obviously, No Dating was one of them (even though I wasn't really dating before that...but just in case I was asked on a date, the rule was made!). I even created the rule of No Crushing on Anyone. I know, cray, cray, right? How do you stop yourself from liking someone? I don't know. But I was going to do it for my heart's sake.

Because I like to look at experiences and extract themes or some sort of system from it, I have gathered that there were three seasons to my year of singleness. It's crazy because the whole point of the year of singleness was to avoid attachment in order to heal completely. Unfortunately, I did not end up avoiding attachment as you will find out soon.

Season 1 {May- August 2013}: Despite the Heat, my Heart Turns Cold

The beginning of Season 1 was hopeful yet also devastating. Hopeful because I felt that the following year would be one of healing. Devastating because I was going through various health issues. For those of you who know me well, you know that the past few years have been hard on my health. The last thing I needed was another diagnosis. In May 2013, I was told I may not be able to have children due to a syndrome I have. Don't get my wrong, I love kids, but I have never really been excited to have my own. I truly get more excited about adopting. Based on that, I probably should not have been that disappointed to know that I may not be able to have kids, right? WRONG. Suddenly, when you're told you can't have something that you thought you would have been able to have, you want it. I cried and cried. I labeled myself as unmarryable (is that even a word?) because no man would want me if I couldn't make a baby for him.
Eventually, I was comforted by hope in God. Anything is possible for God; to give me a man one day who will be able to handle my potential infertility or for God to give me a baby. I've seen many of my friends who were supposed to be infertile have babies. The thing is, I won't know until I try. I'm leaving this in God's hands.
Besides that heavy news, I enjoyed the rest of Season 1 of my singleness. There were no distractions and for the first time in a while, my heart felt like it was set free. I was enjoying my time of singleness so much that I began contemplating a lifetime of singleness. In hindsight, I wonder if I was trying to protect myself from anymore hurt. So, during the hot summer of 2013, my heart turned cold to relationships and future marriage.

Season 2 {September-December 2013}: I Fell in the Fall

I ended the summer with enjoying my singleness and contemplating a lifetime of it. On the most part, I continued wanting that during Season 2 of my year of singleness...but I did begin to fall for someone at school. He wasn't my type at all yet I was attracted to him and liked being with him. I pushed my attraction away so I could be faithful to the rules I placed on myself for the year. I thought that after my Christmas break, I'd get over my attraction and all would be normal again. How many of you see where the story is going? Yup, you're right. My attraction didn't leave when I came back from the holidays but it was only getting stronger.

Season 3 {January-May 2014}: Understanding Attachment

"What the heck is wrong with me?" is what I was thinking. Why couldn't my heart stay away from attaching itself? I shared my feelings with a friend and she simply and gracefully responded with "so, what's wrong with that? what's wrong with your heart getting attached?". She was right. I was acting like attachment was wrong- not only because it was part the rules for my year of singleness- but because I associated it with hurt.
To take that thought a little deeper, one of my classes was influencing the way I viewed relationships. In my Theology of the Human Person class, Dr. Victor Shepherd (the professor), spoke about Martin Buber's theory of I and Thou. This theory states that humankind finds purpose, meaning and identity when in relationship with others and with God. The more this theory was talked about, the more I appreciated my relationship with God and others. Suddenly, my desire to be single forever began fading. Dr. Shepherd spoke of marriage being one of the most intimate relationships a human being can be blessed with on this earth. Yes, intimacy can happen in other relationships, but the most intimate human relationship is in marriage. I was sold. Martin Buber's theory of the I and Thou Relationship was providing healing for my heart and even for my desire for marriage.
As for the guy I was crushing on, I realized how terrible of a match we would be. As quickly as my feelings began for him is as quickly as my feelings left. As brief an silly as that crush was, it helped my process of healing even though I broke one of my rules: Thou shalt not have a crush on anyone.

Conclusion of my Year of Singleness

When I started my year of singleness in May 2013, I never imagined ending it on a mission trip in Peru. I thought it was a beautiful way to end my year of singleness on May 2014 as I was focusing on Jesus and working for Him and the Gospel in Peru.
By the end of my mission trip, it was difficult for me to say goodbye to my new Peruvian friends. With each goodbye hug I gave to the missionaries' kids, the University students, ministry staff and all the people we came across during out trip, my heart was in pain. As I was saying goodbye to some of the students we taught English to, one of the missionaries we worked with said to me "You have a beautiful heart. Your heart attaches itself so much, doesn't it?". It was such a simple comment yet it impacted me so much. I am so grateful she made that observation about me because it concluded my year if singleness magnificently.
I realized that my heart not only attached itself quickly, romantically, but in all relationships. When a bond is made, my heart attaches itself. I am guilty of loving quickly and passionately. Many times, this love has taken me to get hurt. So although I look for opportunities to attach myself through relationships, I distance myself because I don't want to get hurt.
Everyone goes through this right? It just took me a year to learn it.
Did I end up avoiding attachment? No. I did get over the guy that caused me to enter the year of singleness in the first place. And the brief crush I had didn't last. But I attached myself to others. Not in an unhealthy way...but rather the way we're supposed to attach ourselves to others. God created us to be in relationship not only with Him, through Jesus, but also with others. Being in relationship is part of living out the image of God in us.

"I was made to live. I was made to love. I was made to know You." Brooke Fraser, CS Lewis Song

Ending my year of singleness in Peru (May 2014)

The missionary who impacted me more than she intended <3

The girl in the pink is the one who asked me "what's wrong with getting attached?"
The guy was my brief crush. Just kidding; he's a good friend. The crush will remain a secret ;) 

"Why are you going to Peru?"... FAQ about my Peru Trip

I don't know why it's taken me so long to write about my missions trip to Peru. So, I thought I'd share with you a little bit more about why I'm going on a second missions trip since going to India almost a year ago.

I thought it would be fun to make this blog consist of my answers from Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) about my Peru trip. Yes, I have been asked all these questions. Either I have really supportive friends or really nosy ones ;) I'd like to believe they're supportive! lol. Here are the FAQ:

1. Why are you going to Peru?
When I was in India, as I was walking in downtown Kolkata on a Sunday night after church, I suddenly began to wonder what missions in Latin America would be like. My heart was moved and was delighting in the work that we were doing in Kolkata (working with women rescued from the sex trade and children rescued from homelessness). I began to desire being involved in outreach work in Latin America. Why Latin America? Not sure. Maybe because I'm from El Salvador. I've never felt the desire to do missions in Latin America. Remember, I'm new to this whole missions thing! So, the first time I got that desire as I was walking in Kolkata, it puzzled me. I brushed off the thought and kinda hoped it wouldn't return. Yet, at random times during the trip, I kept wishing, desiring and wondering about missions in Latin America. To be honest, the thought off missions in Latin American was bothering me a bit, so I began to pray about it: "Okay, so I don't know why I keep getting these thoughts or desires to do outreach in Latin America, but God if this is something that you are planting in my heart right now, then I pray that you may make it happen in your timing. It's in your hands. Amen" Usually God takes a while to make things happen, right? So, I truly thought that if this were something the Lord would be leading me to, then maybe a mission trip to Latin America would be far in the future. Plus, I didn't plan on going on another missions trip soon after India.

Our team in downtown Kolkata

Fast-forward two weeks after I got back to Canada from India, I heard about a missions trip  my school (Tyndale) was planning to Peru. Immediately, I thought about the desire I had in India to do outreach in Latin America and my prayer of putting the potential trip in God's hands. I thought it may not be a coincidence that Tyndale was having a trip to Peru. I think it had been years since Tyndale went to Latin America. I put the potential trip Peru in God's hands. Eight months later and I'm off to Peru in a few days to be introduced to missions in Latin America!

2. Where in Peru are you going?
Lima and Arequipa. The majority of our work will be done in Arequipa.

3. Who are you going with?
A team from my school: 3 students, a staff member and me. We vary in age and backgrounds, yet we go with the same mission: to partner with Jesus' mission in Peru

Our team, eating at a Peruvian restaurant

4. What are you going to do there?
Our team will mainly be working with youth and young adults as we teach ESL which will serve as a bridge to build relationships with the people. We will also have opportunities to share about Jesus Christ, the Gospel and our testimonies. The missionary we will be working with has been so kind as to ask what else would we like to do. Immediately, I said "street outreach!" My hope is to see who the marginalized are in Peru.

5. How long are you going for?
17 days

6. Do you have any fears about going?
Yeah, two...you might think they're silly fears, but they're real fears to me!
1) I'm afraid of getting made fun of for my rusty Spanish! I'm hoping that after a few days of being immersed in a Spanish context, I'll flow much better ;)
2) I'm afraid of having comments made about my weight. Being a Latina, I know how comfortable Spanish people can be talking about weight and telling you that you need to shed a few pounds! I've become accustomed to the Canadian way of not mentioning weight at all. Oh well, I may come back motivated to work out after a few comments!

7. Will you be going to Machu Picchu?
Not that I know of. It will be a bit far from where we will be doing our work.

I have been asked a few other questions which I am not adding to this blog post because they're a bit silly! You know who you are!

Now, I'd like to ask you a question: How can you support me? 
Three ways: 1) Pray for our team. That impact would happen; impact on the students to learn ESL, impact on the people we share the Gospel, impact on the missionaries we'll be working with (i.e. receiving encouragement and help from us) with and impact on our team. 2) Encouragement. If you have encouraging words or advice your'd like to share with me about Peru or missions, please do! 3) Financial donations. You can donate here: Send Arleen to Peru

At my Peruvian birthday fundraiser

Thanks for reading and stay tuned as we keep you informed on our trip. Check out our first 2 vlogs: Vlog 1 and Vlog 2

More than just a bike ride

Just about every morning in September, we would grab our bikes from the garage and ride down our favorite bike trail. She always pedaled faster than me- not because she was competitive- but because she was so excited to be outside, in nature. I didn't mind because I admired the way she appreciated every part of our bike ride. With one hand she controlled her bike and with the other hand, she reached out for the branches and leaves to feel them. She never looked straight ahead or at the ground as she was riding, but instead, she curiously scanned her surroundings. She was always in child-like awe of the trees, the sky, the river running alongside the trail and the deer that would camouflage themselves so subtly with the tall golden grass. We would always stop for a break, to sit near the river. I took pictures of the scenery and scrolled down my facebook while she waited to catch a glimpse of jumping salmon swimming against the current.

To many, this may all seem ordinary. It was only 8 months earlier that few friends and I taught her how to ride a bike. She wasn't a little girl. She was a woman, in her mid twenties. How could she not know how to ride a bike?
Well, she comes from a South-Asian country where the liberty of a women is not the same as it is here in North America. Only men rode bikes where she grew up. She explained "Even if I did ride a bike, where would I go? Women cannot go anywhere alone."
It was her dream to ride a bike. When she came to Canada, that dream came true.

Our bike rides are so much for than just bike rides. I realized that bike rides for her meant freedom. For me, it has become more than just good exercise and a nice instagram picture. I have come to appreciate this little freedom that I have taken for granted for years. Beyond that, she has taught me to put my phone down and look up at the sky, the river and the animals on the trail. 

This freedom, as women, to bike (alone) and to survey nature is a gift from God. 

Me on my phone and her enjoying the scenery

Sky gazing while sitting outside

catching a glimpse of the salmon as they jumped up

“The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by human hands. And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything. Rather, he himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else. From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us. ‘For in him we live and move and have our being. As some of your own poets have said, ‘We are his offspring.'"- Acts 17:24-28

Birthday, Uncle's Death and Breast Cancer: The Theme of Life Throughout My Week.

One of the weird things I like to do when watching a TV show is figure out the episode's theme. Whether it's a kids shows or an adult sitcom, there always seems to be a theme, or a moral to the story. 

Sometimes, I can't help but think that there is a running theme in certain seasons of our lives. 

Since my school year started, I feel the running theme has been death and life. I feel this theme has been most apparent this past week. 

On Monday, it was my 28th birthday. How can anyone not think of life on their birthday? I know 28 is still considered young (to some people) but I am grateful I've made it to this age. I had such an amazing day, as I was showered with love by my friends with a surprise cake, love notes on my bedroom door, handmade gifts, donations toward my missions trip and many facebook birthday wishes. I felt loved and special. At the end of the day, I asked God "why did you allow me to have such a beautiful day? It was such a gift.". 

The next day, I realized what a gift my birthday truly was as I got news that my uncle in El Salvador had passed away. Once again, I was faced with the theme of life...and death. My uncle Nelson was a special part of my upbringing in El Salvador. Every Friday, my older brother and I would go to my grandparents house to sleep over. My uncle Nelson lived with my grandparents and would act bothered by our weekly visits. He would say "ay vienen los monstritos!" (Translation: Here come the little monsters!). Yet, when we didn't visit, he would ask "where are the little monsters?". He acted like a tough guy, being all annoyed, but I know he truly liked having us around. Now, my uncle is gone. It was unexpected as he was the baby-or the youngest- of his family. I am grateful that my uncle knew Jesus though. This is the hope we have in Jesus, that death is not the end, but those who believe in Jesus will see each other again one day in a new body. Believers will be resurrected and given a new body, because Jesus resurrected and was given a new body. But that's a topic for another day! The hope of the resurrection though is what redirects the theme of death back to life. 

To end my week, I had what my doctors called "the last follow up appointment". You see, in the summer of 2012, I was told I might have breast cancer. By God's grace, the lump in my breast was found to be benign (non-cancerous). However, the oncologist wanted to monitor it closely for a while, in case there would be malignant growth. So, I went to my follow up appointment and the ultrasound technician's friendly chatter died down a bit. She seemed to be concentrating on what she was seeing on the screen. I wondered if my lump had grown. She said she had to go show the doctor my results immediately. She asked me to wait. During the 20 minutes I waited, I thought "what if I have cancer?" I thought about the satisfaction I have in the life I've lived in Christ. I have no regrets. I would be happy to go if I needed to. After all, the apostle Paul said "to die is gain" (Philippines 1:21). The gain is that we would see Jesus! The ultrasound tech came back and said "You're okay. You don't have to come back here again. No more follow ups.". What suspense! Sheesh! I went to the bathroom to change back into my clothes, I looked in the mirror and prayed "I guess it's your will (or plan) for me to stay here a little longer, isn't it God? If it is, then let me live for You and do big things for You.".

It was time for my uncle to go this week, but it's not my time yet. This life, let us live it for Jesus. We are made for Him. 

"Thou hast made us for thyself, and our heart is restless until it 

finds its rest in thee.” -Augustine, Confessions.

On the topic of life, here's a little song I have in my head at the moment: 

Leadership Lesson: Weak vs. Strong

Leadership positions bring on challenges that can expose one's character. Every time I am in a position of leadership, I learn something new about myself; some things are pleasant...and some aren't! This semester brought on a big lesson for me as a leader and also on grief. 

In November, four out of six members of our student council lost someone in their lives. Four weeks of November brought on four announcements of death. Each one hit me hard because it resurfaced feelings of grief over my mentor's death, who I lost at the end of the summer. With each announcement of death, I became more and more heavy-hearted. All I wanted to do was stop everything- school assignments, student council duties, work, etc- and just curl up and grieve. All I wanted during November was to be weak. I became so frustrated when I realized I couldn't be weak. I felt pressure by my leadership role to be strong. The big question of November was: "to be weak or to be strong?" I see value in being vulnerable. Why couldn't I be weak, even if I was the leader? I thought it wasn't fair.

I then realized why I needed to be strong. 

One of the deaths that happened in November was a student at my school. The death was sudden and shocking for our school community. Our school handled this student's death in such an admirable way. They comforted the student body by talking about grief, providing counseling and exuding calm in the midst of chaos. The latter impacted me. When I saw the way the student dean lead the students with peace, I realized that it gave the students as sense of hope, that everything was going to be okay. 

I used to hate the saying "you have to be strong for others" because I feel that it can deny the person's sorrow and thus suppress pain. Now, I have come to understand the importance of that saying. If I am strong, those who I lead will also be strong. In chaos, I want to be the type of leader that brings wisdom, balance, and hope. Although I value vulnerability, there is a time and place for it...especially when you're in leadership. Just as the 911 respondent or the paramedic must remain calm in emergency situations, so should the leader to instill peace and hope in those he/she is responsible for. 

To all the leaders out there,  I am not telling you to suppress your emotions, but instead, find someone like a mentor, a friend or one person on your team who you can speak to about your true feelings. Although "weakness" is not something that should be looked down upon, a leader must decide if demonstrating his/her "weakness" will edify those who are being led. 

Missions Messed Me Up!

Recently, I handed out Thank You cards to as many of my missions trip supporters as possible. I have been getting many comments on a little line I wrote in the card, which reads: "In all honesty, I feel missions has messed me up". One of my good friends laughed when he read that line and asked me "Messed up? Why don't you say 'inspired' instead?" 
Of course I felt inspired by the trip, but I also feel messed up. For years, I have been trying to figure out where I am going. In the past few years, I thought I was finally figuring out how my future would look like. I truly thought I was going to be working in clinical counseling here in North America. Now, I kind of doubt I will be doing that. I mean, I still love counseling and I know my counseling skills will come to good use in the future, but now I'm wondering if I'll be using those skills outside of North America. It may be too early to say, since I just got back from a short term missions trip to India 2 months ago, but I am afraid that missions may be a part of my future. I had an idea of where I was going... but now, I don't anymore; that's why I say missions has messed me up. 
Almost everyday, I think about the work we did in India and the people we met. I feel so nostalgic. I wish those three weeks in India didn't stop. That scares me. What is God doing in me?
Me, the girl who was closed to missions for years, thinking I was too high-maintenance to even go overseas now desires with all her heart to minister on the missions field. What's wrong with me? I feel so messed up. 
As soon as I thought I knew where I was going, I realize I really don't know. It's like God wants me to have faith in Him or something! As scared and messed up as I feel, I am also excited for what God has in store. 

This is one of my life verses, which continually applies to my journey: "By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going."- Hebrews 11:8

My Prayer: 
Lord, I have no idea what You're doing, of where You're asking me to go. My heart is incredibly stirred up as I think of missions. I don't know what exactly this means. Continue to lead me. Holy Spirit, help me to be obedient to God's calling and to have faith in the plans God has in store for me. I don't want to trust in my plans, but Yours. Your ways are higher and better. I love You and want to follow You where ever You may take me. Let me do this without fear, for Your glory and purposes. Amen.

The youth who live at the train station. They impacted me more than they know.

These are women who have been rescued for the sex trade. Look at the love and affection they showed. How can my heart not be moved?

My Lacorina...She's Gone. Grief, Gratefulness and God.

Almost no friend of mine is exempt from the nicknames that I give. I called Carolina, my Lacorina. 

When I was 17, I started going to a church without my family. This was hard because all my life I had gone to church with my whole family. I went to that church for 8 years. Not having family there was tough sometimes, especially since the church was Hispanic and therefore very family oriented. Many times, I felt lonely. I quickly learned that the youth group would be the main place for community, growth and support. About a year later of attending that church, I became a youth leader and my time in ministry began. I learned so much in those days, especially from our youth pastor, Jose. He led by example. From him, I learned in ministry to love those you serve, be respectful to authority, put others above you, seek to do all things biblically and go about things wisely. Youth group and the youth leadership team were a place I felt like I could be myself; and because of that, I was able to grow so much in my faith. Jose was someone I looked up to and was supported by. 

A few years later, Jose met a lovely woman named Carolina and they got married. They were truly a match made in heaven. I had never met someone so mature, wise and relational like Carolina. I admired her life. She served Jesus faithfully in ministry in El Salvador and mission in Africa. She waited long to be married to the right man. Once married, her and Jose waited for God to knit a baby in her womb...and He did! When Carolina came in the picture, I felt I had even more support because she was a woman and she was able to speak to my life in the areas that Jose couldn't. Carolina and Jose constantly showered me with love. I used to tell them frequently that I felt they were my spiritual parents; they were my family at church. 

Carolina has truly been the most amazing person I've met. It was hard for me to trust and open up to people, but I learned that she was someone I could go to for help. She got me through really difficult times in my life...especially through heartbreaks. The words that poured out of her mouth were always wise, honest and filled with love. She always made me feel cared for as she always checked up on how I was doing and gave me gifts all the time, for no particular reason. She was so giving. She always said "I was thinking of you, so I got you this". She would text me and say "we love you and are praying for you". Her love for me didn't stop even when I moved to another city for school. The past 2 years that I've been in Toronto, I've continued to feel her support and love. Just about every time I came home to visit, I would visit Jose and Carolina. I would spend Christmas and sometimes New Years with them. We would share meals together and occasional day trips. Not only were they so inviting with me, but also with many others. They have treated me like their family and for that I'm so grateful.

Because of Carolina's impact in my life, I am able to be a woman who enjoys my singleness. I am able to learn how to wait on the Lord faithfully, clinging to His promises. I am able to strive to be a wise woman in ministry. I able to seek to be a mentor, the way that she invested in me.  

I only knew Carolina for 7 short years. Her life ended today. I truly thought she would be a part of my life forever. Carolina- my Lacorina- has died suddenly and left a husband and a 3 month baby. I feel incredibly distraught. I feel hurt that she is not on this earth any longer. 

Since she was a believer in Jesus (as her only God and saviour), I know she is in Jesus' presence now. I know that I will see her again. Nevertheless, the pain of her death and absence is here. I don't know if I will ever again meet someone like my Lacorina. She meant so much to me because I've had very very few people invest in my life the way she and Jose have done...and now, she's gone. 

My heart hurts-literally- from the pain I feel from her death. Don't tell me to stop sobbing. I will cry because I have lost a dear one. Don't tell me to be strong. I will be weak while I grieve. Don't tell me to be happy because she's in heaven. I know she is with Jesus- but let me mourn for her because she isn't with us anymore. 

We must learn how to grieve and mourn. God allows us to do so and not to suppress our emotions. Even Jesus, knowing he would raise Lazarus from the dead- cried because his friend was gone (John 11). So, let me follow Jesus' example and let me cry for my dear friend, sister and mentor. 

Weeping lasts for the night, but joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5). 

Thank you Jesus for letting Carolina- my Lacorina- to come into my life and the lives of so many. We are in pain because we will miss her so much. We groan because we ache for her husband and baby. But we are comforted by you God. Bad things happen on earth, but you remain good! Thank you because we can depend on you and the comfort of your word. We know we will see her again. We know that she is in your presence now; joyful and without pain. I'm a little jealous of her because she gets to meet you sooner than us. But I thank you for letting us borrow her for a little bit of time... for that little bit of time did a lot of impact to a lot of people. Thank you Jesus for living through her. Thank you Jesus because she has left a legacy...let us carry it on, just as she did, till the day we die. Amen.  

At Caro's wedding

Spending Christmas with them in 2011.

A big part of our work in ministry was planning youth retreats. This was the last one we planned together in 2011. 

At my 25th Birthday

Visiting Carolina and Jose's newborn baby for the first time.